Grapevine Online Exclusive

Published March 2011.

Web Exclusive: I Wanted What the People in the Meetings Had

She attended meetings with solution in her eyes until she finally heard what she needed to hear.

She can see clearly now.

I was sitting in a low-rent apartment, drinking beer, watching television and crying. I was killing myself with alcohol, had lost my job, did not have any friends, and hung out with people that liked to drink as much as I did. I was a miserable human being. But on one particular day 23 years ago, I remember sitting in front of the television and I asked God to help me. “Please help me,” I remember crying. “I do not want to live this way anymore. Please help me!” I meant those three words with every fiber of my being. I meant those words with my heart, my soul. I was so tired of being tired. I was tired of trying to remember the lies I needed to say to cover up the other lies.  I was tired of feeling guilty for not showing up for life, for family, for friends and work. I was tired of the shame and disgust I often felt when I drank.   

Following my plea to this invisible force, things actually became worse. Thank God! I thank my Higher Power today, because if things would not have gotten worse, I would not have landed in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Later that same week I drank too many bottles of very cheap champagne and ended up at my parents home, disgustingly drunk and yes, crying again. In my drunken stooper, I told my mother and father it was ‘their’ fault I was such a mess. It was their fault I did not have a job; it was their fault I was a worthless and miserable person! 

-- Rena

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