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Searching for Acceptance

In order to stay sober, she had to accept the truth of who she really was

I first came to AA 22 years ago when I was 19. I was a scared young woman, at war with herself and the world. The anger fed the war and covered my fears. When I tried to get sober, the anger made it hard as I fought the suggestions given me—sometimes outright and sometimes with subtlety.

I knew my life was unmanageable yet still couldn't see the powerlessness. I couldn't give up my will. My relationship with the God of my understanding was strained. I had tried the way of religion before coming to AA, but I continued to drink. While in AA I listened to others' concepts of a higher power. I struggled to believe that God cared and loved me. I had been angry at God for a long time and all the shame I felt further blocked me from God. In the early days of my recovery, I kept a lot inside and wore a mask. I was in denial and unable to see things about myself.

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