Magazine

From the April 2011 magazine.

Story Archive: Attitude Adjustment

A nice way to start the day

I am an alcoholic who has been sober and recovering for just over eight months now. What an incredible ride it has been. From the moment I pulled open the doors to my very first meeting, I felt something different, something good was going to happen. Those doors, which at the time I believed to be the heaviest ever made, allowed me to walk into a new way of life. I don't remember what exactly was said, nor do I remember any one person in particular, but I do remember the incredible feeling of positive power in that room. It certainly struck me hard enough to make me come back the next day, and I did. I chased that feeling from room to room, the same way I chased the seemingly wonderful effects of my first drunk. Every drunk got progressively worse. To my surprise, I found that same great feeling that I had in my first meeting in every room I went to. Sometimes more powerfully than others, sometimes the same, but never less.

It hasn't been easy. My emotional bottom came in sobriety. Everything seemed to be going wrong, with one tragic occurrence after another. My life was suffering emotionally, professionally, and spiritually. I was mired in depression. It was awful. I lost weight and was slowly losing my mind. I actually had to sit and feel all of those feelings I worked so hard to drown out with alcohol. I knew that I couldn't drink anymore. It would only make things worse. I just had to deal with those things called feelings. I guess I always had them, I just never felt them before. Too drunk to. Waking every morning, I would ask myself, What else could possibly go wrong today? I knew something would go wrong. Who knew what, but something would. Nice way to start the day, huh?

-- Gee

New York, New York

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