From the May 2011 magazine.

May 2011: At Wit's End

"I awakened in a filthy flop-house. I immediately called room service!"

Really drunk

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, “I can’t believe how intoxicated you are.”  “I’m not drunk,” I said, denying it.  “Yes, you are.”  “No, I’m not.”  “Can you tell the time?” she challenged. I walked up to the clock and said, “I’m not drunk.”    

Take my wife

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he’s going at this time of the night. The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse...