Magazine

From the January 2019 magazine.

Feeling again

In her darkest days of drinking, she couldn’t feel beauty in a sunset or a rose. But now she’s getting sober and her insides are awake

Even before I picked up a drink, I already had problems with living. I felt black inside, that nothing good could stick to me. I would hear people talk about how beautiful a sunset was or how amazing the smell of a garden-grown rose was, but I just didn’t get it. I’d smile and nod and agree with people, but on the inside I felt nothing.

I was sharing with an AA friend the other day that the only time I remember feeling anything inside me was walking home from a party one winter at 3 a.m. It was after a snowfall when everything was blanketed in white and the Christmas lights were on. They glowed through the snow. No one was around and the silence was so deafening that I felt it pierce through the blackness of my insides. I could really feel it. 

-- G.V.

Burlington, Vermont

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