From the July 2011 magazine.

July 2011: At Wit's End

"Twenty four hours at a time? I've been staying sober five years at a time!"

I can’t believe I ate the whole thing

Two ferocious lions are roaming the African Savannah. When they chance upon a loud, obnoxious drunk, they immediately devour the startled fellow.

One lion complains to the other: “You know alcoholics give me heartburn.”

The other lion agrees, “Alcoholics give everybody heartburn.”

—Jose G., Port Orchard, Wash.

Just how drunk are you?

A police officer pulled over a drunk who was driving quite...