Burning Desire to Share
When I make this statement: "My name is Joe and I am an
alcoholic", I am doing the first half of the first step. The
silly Hi Joe! chant appeared in the Northeast around 1980.
My friend calls it silly; I call it stupid. It makes us look
like idiots in the eyes of the public, and harms A.A. as
The statement is also part of the fifth step, admitting
to other human beings that I am an alcoholic. It never
was meant to be a greeting or salutation.
Chanting in any form must be removed from A.A.
activities. Leave this ritual to cults and religious sects.
I'm an AA "loner" for half the year. Work 3 weeks every day 12hour (often longer!) shifts then fly down south home for 3 weeks off. Almost 2 years ago I was working same rotation but in Nunavut. Very remote project. I had asked the mine manager if I could use a room for an AA meeting and he let me know. I put posters up around camp. Every Wednesday I was in camp I'd sit with my literature and Grapevine on my ipad. I'd sit there from 8-930ish then leave. No one ever came but it was ok. I heard folk joking around work about the AA meeting. About AA being a cult or whatever but that wasn't bothering me. In fact, I really enjoyed having the time to sit and read.
I'm at a different mine now. Northwest Territories. 3 weeks in. 3 weeks out. A very different set up. Even though technically I am working 12 hour shifts - I'm salary and often I will have to go underground on night shift - for at least a couple of hours. My sponsor suggested that I start a meeting here like I did at my last job but there are a lot of things that I'm struggling with.
One: the only room that I would be able to use is locked at night - it would be very difficult to get a key - not impossible - but would involve a LOT of people knowing why and needing to know who (i.e. me) has the key etc.
Two: even though I technically work 5am to 5pm - really it can vary up to 11pm and not in regular predictable ways. I also have to get up for work at 345am so staying up late is extremely hard but the room I might be able to use would only be free after 630pm.
Three: I work with folk who are - mostly good guys (some girls!). But a lot who are really just like 5 year olds. I've only been here 7months but its shocking how much gossip and rumours fly around and affect people. Hearing people judge others based on rumours.
Three Part B: If I was to put up a poster where I work now I GUARANTEE people would show up - but not to participate - they'd just want to see who is there then the rumour mill would go.
Four: Since I know it will be IMPOSSIBLE (if you'd met our mine manager you'd understand why) to keep my anonymity as an AA member. Its not that I would mind the medic or managers knowing. Not really. Its that I've experienced and seen the inability of many of them to not talk about people and peoples' problems which in turn ends up all over.
Five: I would like to remain fairly anonymous. Not just for myself and my work relationships - but also because there are days - well usually moments - when I'm not 100% spiritual. Luckily I can go through the steps - you know the daily step 10 and deal with the situations quickly without making a mess but having no anonymity concerns me because I dont want AA to look bad.
I know some of these reasons are selfish and self-centred. I know there are many nights when I can barely keep my eyes open or body moving past 6pm! Or when I quit at 5pm and I'm so exhausted I dont even eat. How do I force myself to stay awake long enough to be responsible for opening a meeting every week that I am here? I dont want people I work with directly or indirectly knowing I'm an AA member. There are some that it really wouldn't bother me at all. Many that it would not be ok. Judgement, taunting, blah, blah that I just dont think I want to have to deal with.
Then my sponsor suggested that I am not willing to go to any lengths. Maybe he is right. But the word "any" means good and bad - right? I've brought in back issues of AA Grapevines and put them in common areas. Some never move - some have - some have "disappeared".
I've spoken one on one with some folk who are trying to get sober or have been sober. Its tough to find a private area to talk so conversations are brief. There are many who know I dont drink which I dont care if they know or not.
By not finding some way to set up and commit to an AA meeting (even if its only during the 3 weeks I'm in camp) - does that mean that I am not willing to go to any lengths?
I would say don't do it all yourself, if you have others who want to attend the meeting then the group should be working on starting a meeting. If you are at a work site then security can unlock doors at certain times. Again it sounds like you are directing the show. It will happen if it is supposed to. I'm not saying it will be easy or alot of work or effort, but the group should be doing it not just one person. I wish you lots of luck and I hope it all works out for the group. The meetings should take place with or without you, you are just another AA member. I would think the company's interest is served by supporting your efforts. God Bless and thank you!
I'm coming up on 33 years sobriety, many of them overseas without meetings to go to or any interest by others to attend. When I came back to the States I was usually surrounded by people who had 20 or 30 meetings to choose from that were attended by 20 to 60 people -- and because of this limited experience of theirs they would insist it was the only way.
I think attending meetings online, participating in the 'Loner' program, and being attentive to any opportunity to have a conversation with anyone in trouble with drinking is the way you can stay sober in such circumstances. 'Any two persons joined together in sobriety constitute a meeting' is what it says in foundational AA material. Genuine effort is what matters -- not mindless banging your head against the wall.
The biggest danger is to make sure you're not 'sponsoring yourself' and staying in contact with your higher power. Humility seems to be the first thing to go so you must guard it.
It sounds to me like you made more than a reasonable effort. Sometimes the landscape is truly empty of those needing 12-step attention. In cases such as that, remember the other part of the 12th step that calls upon us to 'practice these principals in all our affairs' and seek to help others in more general ways by being a 'worker among workers' and similar.
I can think of plenty of times where there were no alcoholics to work with (and none that I should 'insist' were alcoholics) -- but I can say that I continued seeking to help others. I shoveled snow, stacked crates, took care of pets, ran messages and other things and they all helped me live every day the way I think is spoken of in the 12th step.
I have been in and out of these rooms for 15+ plus years. This last time around I lost my job and decided to go back into treatment on my own and really listen to what was being said. For some reason GOD has allowed it to click in my mind this time around. I was told to do what the program and the treatment center suggest that I do, go to meetings, get a sponser, and do service work. Well I feel I have and will keep doing these things to the best of my ability for today. One day at a time. Not only has God and this program help me get my sanity back, but has allowed me to get back on my feet. No I have not been able to find a job, but God has provided for me. And for that I am grateful. What I dont understand is that it should not be this easy for me I feel sometimes. and I am scared. I have been able to deal with life on life terms, it has not been all roses, but I have not had to drink or use over anything. I dont know what to do about these feelings, so I am just putting them out there. I was told to KISS it (KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID). And that works for me. Im just scared that all. I was told that you get out of this program what you put into it, but it does not seem I am putting enough into it,because it is so easy. I talk to my sponser daily, go to 1 to 2 meetings a day, help out where ever I can, and call people or answer the phone hoping it is someone on the other end that can help me or I can help them.I feel sometimes that there is something else that I need to be doing. Hopefully it is just a feeling that shall pass.
Good luck to you. I feel another important thing to remember is to keep an open mind. I noticed you spelled the word God passionately with all uppercased letters (GOD)
In my recovery, God is spelled with lowercase letters(god)which stands for goodness, openmindedness and discipline.
We are all looking for salvation from our misery when we enter the rooms. Some find it with (GOD); others (god)and others still with nothing at all. Some look to the heavens to be saved, some look within to save themselves. Many members especially on this site fight over which is the right path. In my own experience, the (GOD) path only added to the misery and after a few years of not feeling better in AA, I threw in the towel and followed the(god) path. Soon my whole life changed. I discovered I was strong enough to take responsiblity for my own sobriety without (GOD). One thing I had to accept was I really wasn't a believer in (GOD). I was trying to fake it to fit in. I just couldn't wait around for the miracle to happen because my life was falling apart in sobriety and I never saw one in the first place. That being said I hope your(GOD)brings you salvation and my (god) continues to deliver ace's. The rooms are big enough for everyone.
If it seems like things are too easy I think maybe that's what God wants. Remember God don't make mistakes we work hard for our sobriety he knows what we are able to handle and would never put on us what we cant carry.
I think you are doing a lot of great things that will help you live a sober life. All of those things are very important for me to do as well.
The one thing that keeps me doing the things you mention is to get on my knees in the morning to thank God that I woke up sober, and to ask Him to direct my thoughts and actions for the day.
Then at night I get on my knees and say a prayer of gratitude for keeping me sober that day and for other specific blessings He has provided me.
When I do this I stay sober, and I experience peace, love and happiness even when things aren't going so well.
- Mike S.
Thank-you for gratitude and directing my thoughts and actions for the day. Even when things are not going well for that moment or during the day I do slow it down and just for this moment I do say thanks.
Whoa! I can identify with this author, as I am currently going through very similar journey. Like, feeling like I'm not doing enough. What is so relieving is that when I get into this kind of situation (and it happens many times on daily basis), I simply escape to the "present moment." And I indeed keep hearing myself saying to myself, Relax! And do keep it simple, stupid. There and then I look at exactly my surroundings - like trees swaying, no major disaster or anything ... not even close to what is currently bothering my mind. And I'm like, Whheeew! Yeaaaa! It's indeed a wonderful day! HA!
Sounds like a great start. Your willingness to go to any lengths, I believe is the reason it seems too easy. That is why surrender is so important. Before I surrendered, I felt I could do it myself. When I fully conceded that I was powerless over alcohol, the recovery program outlined in the big book became very simple.
What can be frightening is that we all know that alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful to an alcoholic. Sometimes as our ego rejuvenates itself after our admission of complete defeat we begin to get thoughts of letting up on the spiritual program of action as outlined in our book. That’s when it is so important to remember we only have a daily reprieve from alcohol, contingent on our spiritual (not religious) condition.
Remember worry is like a rocking chair, it keeps me busy, but I don’t get very far. Some worry does have a purpose. When we have no fear or worry, that’s when I know I’m in ego trouble.
Good luck to you in your recovery and sobriety!
"I was told to do what the program and the treatment center suggest that I do, go to meetings, get a sponser, and do service work."
"I feel sometimes that there is something else that I need to be doing."
What they told you to do will work for a while. On pages 39 and 40 of the 12712 it says,"More sobriety brought about by the admission of alcoholism and by attendance at a few meetings is very good indeed, but it is bound to be a far cry from permanent sobriety and a contented, useful life. That is just where the remaining steps of the A.A. program come in."
Dust off your Big Book and don't just read it, use it.
i got 14 days, got god, got to sleep better, got an appetite, can drink water . i thank god every morning for simply allowing me to wake up. thats huge.im alive.then i thank him for everything.absoloutley everything.life is so beautiful when your not dead. a.a., god, and the fellowship are saving my life.im in a.a. for life. because death is no longer an option.
keep it up!
keep the gratitude every morning and find amazement and blessings whenever you feel like everything is bad or hard or people are mean or whatever.
I also am concerned about some of the ways that AA meetings have changed over the years since 1984. I do not enjoy cross-talk or chanting to name a few. I, too, support the idea of starting new meetings, expressing my opinions when called upon to share. I encourage people to work for change through their GSRs, Intergroup, DCMC, etc.
I wonder if holding "underground" meetings, which would be identified as AA would be in keeping with the 12 Traditions that we all hold so dear? It is a daily struggle to not become a "bleeding deacon" and to uphold the purpose of our life saving gift from on high. Just a thought....Mary Anne B.
Hi Mary Anne B, and ANONYMOUS and all the other folks who are concerned at the way AA is going:
Why don't you just start your own meetings where chanting is not allowed, or holding hands, or saying the lords prayer, or reading How it Works, or whatever else you object to? If they are more effective, people will flock to them and stay sober in them, right?
I used to go into the local jail at least twice a month. The inmates run their own meetings every week but outside speakers (like me) come in sometimes. At these meetings they chant lustily; they read lots of readings; they don't say but SHOUT the Lord's Prayer. There is much more ritual than at the meetings I ordinarily attend. It doesn't make a bit of difference. I have never felt more spiritually connected then when I am attending one of those meetings.
I was clean and sober for nearly 10 years. Met someone out of the program who rarely drank, but guess what, I rarely drank with him until NOW, I'm a problem. I worked through the steps twice and healed so much that even today I reap the benefits--it was like free therapy that worked out my personal issues. The problem is, that now I drink and can't stop at one. I'll do what I consider to be great--only 3 drinks 2 or 3 times a week, but let's face it, I want more and I struggle not to so that my husband doesn't get upset.I know that the program works--but it totally doesn;t work for my relationship because I was in the program when I met my husband and he doesn't get it--the bonds and deep empathy that we have for one another. In addition, my 9 year boyfriend ended up overdosing while I was in recovery and his friends were all over me. I don;t want to be around sickness and I know I can choose who I look to for support--but I can't stand to be in a room full of people that are so full of crap and really don't want to change---just stay clean and sober. By the way, I'm a social worker and I'm around messed up people all the time--want to escape but be well.
To me the most troubling part about your post is that there is no indication that alcohol has stopped working for you. Most of us have had horrific consequences from drinking, me and many others from the very beginning. That stops non-alcoholics in there tracks but not us. We try a thousand work-arounds to out-smart the disease. Prisons are running over with the results of our creative solutions and we count the days to do it again. Then the day comes, if we’re still alive, that alcohol stops working. I don’t know when it happened. I only saw it in the rear view mirror. I stopped getting the relief, the joy, the buzz, the fix, the whatever it was that made me feel whole. I continued for years going through the motions not getting the result. Repeating behavior, expecting different results. I believe that’s called insanity in some circles. It wasn’t until this realization, after I joined AA that the door had closed behind me, that there was no going back to anything I could possibly want that gave me the motivation to go forward.
Have you indeed been there? As a yardstick, you might compare the result of your ten years attending AA with the vital spiritual experience described in chapter two. When you are ready for a solution you will no longer be interested in the wardrobe of the others in the lifeboat.
You followed the directions in the Big Book and tried some more controlled drinking. You seem to be finding out what many of us have. Drinking a small amount of alcohol sets up a compulsion. When this happens our priorities change. Our thinking changes. Drinking more than we pledged, promised, committed to or thought becomes unimportant.
You can keep doing what you are doing keeping in mind that if you are like us, any control you have had in the past will diminish or disappear, drinking and resulting problems will escalate.
You can stop taking the first drink and deal with the resulting feelings. Many of us have found the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous effective in that.
Two axioms I have always found to be true:
I can't think my way to right living but I can live my way to right thinking.
If drinking is causing a problem it is going to get worse.
I stopped drinking thirty three years ago. On the rare occasions something triggers a thought about drinking, a knee jerk reaction immediately recalls the sound of a utility pole ripping my car apart waking me up. I was using my very best thinking that night to limit my drinking and stay out of trouble. Of course that didn't stop me. It didn't come close to stopping me. But AA did.
It is a dilemma how to stop rituals (i.e. chanting) that have crept into AA meetings over the years. Entrenched for so long, they will be difficult but not impossible to reverse. It will take time.
The problems started at the individual and group levels and that is where they must be solved. Members need to recognise and accept problems exist and make long term commitments to take whatever action necessary to solve the problems. I believe the survival of Alcoholics Anonymous is at stake. This solution is no different than personal recovery; action is the word.
I would like to thank the anonymous member for the idea of chanting louder than everyone else to make the point how senseless, silly and stupid chanting is and the poor public image (cultism) it gives groups and AA as a whole. I think I will try your suggestion. For special effect I might even delay my chant until the group chant is finished. I’m sure the practice will give me a wonderful feeling of self- importance and terminal uniqueness which is probably the reason chanting started in the first place. If you can’t beat them, join them.
Try not stating your name when asked to share at meetings. Some will surely chant, "who are you" or "Hi Mike" to remind me to state who and what I am. Remind them AA is an anonymous program and I don't need to introduce myself but will consider stating my step 1 and step 5 if they do not chant my name. If nothing else it should get them thinking about the problem.
Before doing the above I should consider trying the following suggestions first. Attend my home group business or inventory meeting and make a motion the group draft meeting guidelines that discourage these practices. Meeting guidelines could address a long list of issues other than chanting including; non AA literature, readings, prayer, prayer circles, other drugs, religion, eating disorders, smoking, etc. etc. Read the group guidelines at the beginning of every meeting. Although we can’t force members to comply, we can ask them to cooperate by respecting our group conscience and guidelines.
Hold group and district workshops on Sponsorship and Chairing meetings. Sponsors need to know what to teach newcomers as it pertains to what AA is and what it is not. Group members chairing meetings need to know group conscience on the issues of the day in order to handle them appropriately when they arise during meetings.
Whenever possible allow only group members to chair your meetings. We can't expect non- members to know our group conscience and meeting guidelines and how we want our meetings conducted.
If your home group is unwilling to make changes to resolve these issues it is time to join or start another group that will. Also attend and support only meetings that are committed to eliminating practices that threaten AA unity, growth and personal recovery. As a last resort hold underground meetings at your homes by invitation only. This will ensure that attendance is limited to those willing to keep their AA simple, humble and back to basics.
Do not hesitate to state your truths at meetings. AA is a fellowship that goes to great lengths to protect and respect minority opinions. I believe the views I express and those in agreement are definitely in the minority.
Take the time to write your concerns to the Grapevine, area newsletters and other AA related online web sites. Talk to your GSR, DCM, area service reps and GSO to express your concerns about the issues today that you believe threaten our lifesaving and life giving fellowship.
Bill W. stated if AA fails it will do so from within. In short we can destroy ourselves unless we are willing to go to any lengths to preserve AA's Steps, Traditions and Concepts.
The temporary good is always the enemy of the permanent best.
Hi Mike, I like the rituals. It gives me security and order out of the chaos in which I crawled away from. If you don't like them why not work on your sobriety more and stay out of the politics. That's what I do when I get caught up in things. You may encounter a stronger piece of mind.
When I hear people like you share I pray for you. I hope your higher power helps you see your shortcomings as mine does to me and bring resolve to this issue that is tearing away at your sobriety. I know in my last group the agnostics out numbered us and voted out the rituals. A bunch us left and started a new group where we like to chant, save the Lords prayer, hold hands and light candles. God Bless and Keep Comin' Back
Could not agree more with your post. I am seeing folks introduce themselves as "addicts" at closed meetings and being called on to share. I bought (100) copies of "Problems Other Than Alcohol" and put them in all of the local meeting halls. Cannot find any of them in any of the literature racks today but still hear folks from the other program coming to "my" meetings.
Thanks Mike, for the message. I too believe that changes
(reversals) can be made. When I began this challenge five
years ago, I had no idea it would be so difficult. But the
alcoholic EGO is very powerful thing. I innocently wrote
to my area delegate, explaining my concerns, thinking I
would "start at the top". I was sharply criticized for
even suggesting that A.A. was in trouble. And that was
after my third letter. I have written numerous (over 30)
letters to the Grapevine with copies to GSO, Box 459,
and our area newsletter. Two of my letters have been
published in the AAgrapevine. The rebuttals are soon
I have failed to identify myself at meetings, and
someone will shout "Who are you?". I simply say that
we are an anonymous fellowship, and who I am just is
not that important.
Before the group chant settled in, the members who
chanted the name of another member seemed to be saying,
"look at me! I'm here, too." Today I attend a meeting
almost every day, where we do no chanting at all. New
members soon realize how weird chanting is. They do not
know that this is a confession and never was meant to
be a greeting or salutation. They have been taught
to be friendly and welcoming by saying Hi! Joe!. They
just do not know any better, and will never change,
unless enough of us get up the courage to say something.
To join the herd is human nature. So thanks for "saying
something." You offer a lot of good advice. You must have
been hanging around members like me. Many such members
do remain with us. But they had the same opinions I had,
until I looked at the membership numbers. I still am
appalled that we were not told of our near collapse in
the early 1990's.
Bill W. was often quoted as saying "sometimes the good
can be the enemy of the best." He also wrote that "sometimes
the seeming temporary good can be the deadly enemy of the
permanent best. He went on to say that when it comes to
A.A., nothing but the very best will do.
PS: give some thought to the practice of reading HIW.
Investigate Bill's first meeting with Dr. Bob. What advice
did Dr Silkworth give to Bill, just prior to Bill's trip
to Akron in 1935? Along with the true understanding of
why the 24hr book was rejected, came an understanding of
why this reading of HIW has been so damaging to our
fellowship. Try to read this and to investigate with an
open mind. Give some consideration to this statement:
We ought to have at least eight million counted members
in A.A. by this time. You know that we only have a little
more than two million. How do we sleep at night? We have
failed all those alcoholics plus their friends and
families, plus all the others those we failed could
have helped. These faults in our fellowship will eventually
be corrected. Bill W. had absolute faith that faults in
A.A. would be self-correcting. They will be corrected but
not without a lot of work. I feel that the harder we work
the sooner the effectiveness of our fellowship will be
restored. You, Corey, and a few others are beginning
that herculean task. I believe the tide can be turned,
or at least our ship can be turned around. ANONYMOUS
I kept reading your comments, which seem to hold some strong stance and logic, until I read, "Give some consideration to this statement: We ought to have at least eight million counted members in A.A. by this time. You know that we only have a little more than two million. How do we sleep at night? We have failed all those alcoholics plus their friends and families, plus all the others those we failed could
have helped." We ought to have a least eight million? You sure not 7 or 24.3 millions? Or even 85.321 million? Or perhaps AA had achieved the current 2.0+ millions far more than it could have? ???? or ???? Who knows! Quite figures and what figures could have reached is a dangerous zone. 2+2=4, not could be 332.114. ~ Deo K.
AA is declining but this does not necessarily mean we are in peril and something is wrong. The numbers were over inflated when the boomers started to show up in the rooms in the seventies and early eighties. Many were false alcoholics who abused drugs and alcohol, got in some trouble and were sent to AA. But, many left eventually because they determined they were not alcohol dependent.
The numbers should be lower today because of public health awareness, advocates and policies that deter drinking recklessly. By today's standards, I would have had 50 drunk driving arrests, significant jail time and loss of license for life. In the seventies in the town I lived the cops would lock up my car and drive me home. Now you get the breathalizers, car boots, fines and jail. Another factor in declining numbers are members are choosing big pharma pain killers and other drugs over alcohol. My son never touched alcohol because of me but, after a sports injury in high school he got addicted to pain killers; I won't mention the brand everyone knows it though. He refuses treatment and I sense this addiction will kill him. I've lost him. My wife and I have changed the locks and gotten a security alarm. What father changes the locks on his son? This breaks me up.
How do I get a meeting back in the local AA Directory. One of our open meetings at Salvation Army is in our Indy Directory and the other one is not. Thur.8pm.
Find out who is responsible for drafting and having the directories printed in your local area. Find out from your group GSR or district DCM.
Is your meeting/group registered with GSO in New York? If not find out if your local directory is listing only registered meetings. It shouldn't really matter as most directories list all meetings especially to help out new groups getting started that have yet to register..
In larger centers it is usually the intergroup committee that is responsible for the directories. In more remote spread out areas the district committee is responsible.
GSO in New York also prints Directories for North America; 2 for the USA and one for Canada. Most Area have meetings published online.
Hope this helps.
People’s experience finding and joining (or not joining) AA varies as much as the people that walk through the door. Two people walking into the same meeting at the same time will have different experiences, different impressions. One thing is always true. They are different than mine. I read here frequently “If AA had been _____________, if my sponsor would have __________, if in meetings people would have_________________ I wouldn't have ever joined AA or stayed sober.” Are you sure? My thinking is a great deal better since I have been sober for several years however as good as it is, I can’t predict the future. Would I have been any better at fortunetelling with less than 24 hours of sobriety? Would you?
My Big Book has thirteen (sorry Bill) passages highlighted that tell me exactly how to carry the message IN MEETINGS. I use them. I recommend them. I've shared them in meetings. They aren’t easy for me. I review them and get back on course. One gal always puts on her biggest smile and tells newcomers “I’M REALLY GLAD YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU’RE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE ROOM!”. They look like a deer caught in car headlights. I try to catch them before or after the meeting alone and ask in as colorful of language as I think I can “Who did you make mad?” or something similar. Whatever the answer is, I can respond honestly with either “Yeah, I’ve done that” or “Yeah, that’s the kind of stuff we do”. Sometimes that’s it. Sometimes they open up a little. In either case, the next time I see them, I get at least a nod out of them. That’s important. That’s really important. I remember.
I am grateful that when I came into A.A. that no one
told me that I was the most important person in the room.
I would have thought: If I am the most important person
here, we are all in trouble. My importance (EGO) was
neither built up nor pushed down. I came in as an equal.
I don't believe we ought to make a spectacle of
newcomers, or allow them to make spectacles of themselves.
Bill gives us a clear method of how to carry the message
on page 70 in Alcoholics Anomymous Comes of Age, published
in 1958. Bill desperately needed another alcoholic to talk
to to keep from drinking. Bill finally realized that deeply.
Dr. Bob needed what Bill was describing to him. Bill did
not push anything on him. Bill's message was truly a
suggestion. No pushing or prodding. Just instilling an
idea which might work if Dr. Bob chose to try it.
Bill W. approached Dr. Bob in a position of humility
and weakness. Not from a spiritual hilltop like we do
today. "Well, if you want what I got, you will have to
do what I done, or even more absurd, do what I tells
you to do." ANONYMOUS
I have some years of sobriety by the grace of God. I love my faith & church but many AA's have disdain for religion. I think Bill W. said in big book someplace that we should be quick to see where religious people are right. Coming in as a agnostic & desperate to stay sober I just kept coming back & AA itself became my Higher Power. We can not discuss religion at our AA meeting because they will not allow it. I am ok with that but are we able to discuss religion in this blog. I currently follow my Catholic traditions & find so many former Catholics bashing the church for their problems. I have kept an open mind & am a Catholic convert of 25 years plus. I do read & learn from also Buddhist philosophy to help my brain damaged mind to live in the Now. Is there anyone out there who has similar experiences???
aa in my years is not a religion. It is a way of life for me personally. There are not parades or special happenings on my days that designate my years. We all have a way we live in the halls, the question is can we live that life on life's terms outside the hall. For me personally any mention on God is a turn off. I fill my black hole with a higher power no matter what his/her name is. In fact the Hebrew religion is the closest i have come in tradition of the AA steps and of the traditions.
My first sponsor suggested that, instead of my continual worrying about other people, I had enough to do just working on myself and my program. "What other people think about me is none of my business." Also, I would suggest that after taking time to meditate and pray over it you might want to consider why you have a sponsor who repeats gossip.
When I get upset about the changes that have happened in the program that I do not feel totally comfortable with I try to remember "acceptance is the answer to all my problems today".
Trudging along.....Mary Anne B.
Thank you to everyone who posted a response to Dilemma in Orlando.
This was my first time posting on this site. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the wisdom being shared. It has been an incredible help.
I picture myself as a newcomer. I’m sick to death of being sick, having all my money disappear, my family, her family, our family and the boss I had before I lost my job hating my guts. My court date is coming up. I don’t even want to think about it. Jack Daniels stopped working. I can’t get any thing out of it but falling down sick. I can’t sleep. I can’t stay awake. Somebody said you can’t even get in the door of a mission in the dead of winter if they can smell it on you. What kind of world is this? I break down and promise to go to one of THOSE meetings. Why did I do that? How do I find one of them? I never saw one. There probably aren't any around here. If there was they probably meet one night a month or something. How am I supposed to wait that long? Probably some kind of church deal. I give up. I gotta’ do something.
“Noon or eight o’clock tonight either one? Yea, I know where that is. Been by it a million times.”
There’s a bunch of chairs and some signs and stuff but these people can’t be alcoholics. Laughing, not wearing bum’s clothes. They must be the recruiters or something. Then the prayer meeting starts. At least it’s a short prayer. They read something. I don’t what it’s about. I can’t concentrate. Some guy starts talking. Hey buddy; I didn't come here to hear your hard luck story. Another guy’s turn. Hey, he drank kinda' like me and even drew the same judge. Said he quit two years ago. Can’t be, but nobody acts like he’s lying. Some more hard luck stories and some God stuff but nobody’s jamming it down my throat. Heck, there’s a woman that says she had blank spots when she couldn't remember what happened. I thought I was crazy, but she said it happened to her for years. She claims she swore off too. Maybe she did. The Lord’s Prayer like when I was a kid then some kind of hand jive and cheerleader crap. It’s over. That’s it? The guy that made some sense is gone. I kinda’ wanted to hear some more from him. I get some flake instead. Says the other guy comes to meetings all the time. If I come back, I’ll probably catch him next time. I’ll come back and try another one. What have I got to lose?
End of story.
This was me. This was you. This was yesterday and this is tomorrow.
“…Much of the general public laugh at us as a joke….” No, they hardly know we exist. Any that do know that we exist know all about our meetings from watching some TV show.
Chanting? Over-reading How It Works? It’s going to keep this guy away? It’s not in the top 500 worries he has. I've heard HIW enough times in 33 years to know what it says and I have my own reason for not chanting but I can’t, in any stretch of imagination, believe that either matter one iota to the newcomer. If anyone brings either to a group conscience meeting at my group (the only group that I have any business trying to influence) I’ll vote one way or the other. It won’t make much difference either way.
Four years ago I moved into an apartment with a man in the program. He relapsed shortly after moving in and continued to drink over the course of our lease. I miraculously remained unaffected by it. Eventually drugs came into the picture (even though we had outlined that he could not do them or bring them into our home). It wasn't long before I got wrapped up in it all and began using myself. This went on for several months.
Enough was enough and I moved out. Since that day (which I refer to as the brightest day of my life) my life has been incredible. I have been sober for 2 1/2 years and continue to see the promises fulfilled on a daliy basis.
My dilemma...After returning to the rooms I learned that my former roomate had regained his sobriety (great news). He was attending meeting regularly (a different group than I attend). My sponsor at the time and I had met one night to work on the steps when he informed me that he had gone to lunch with a group of members from my former roommates group and that my name came up. Apparently my exroommate had told everyone that it was I that brought alchol and drugs into our home and that he was simply a victim of an enviroment that I created. My sponsor advised me to confront the lunch attendees and set the record straight (a task that I did not feel comfortable with). First of all, I didn't know who attendied the lunch (I'm not a member of that group) and although aquainted with many, I didn't even know exactly what was said or even where to begin with in a situaiton like this. I told my sponsor that it was gossip and that I did not feel the need to defend myself.
It's been 2 years since that time and I have learned that among this group I am considered a troubled liar and that the story told my former roommate was in fact believed by many. I am bothered by this and haven't been sleeping well at all lately. I am not sure where to go from here. Do I continue to "let it go" (if that's possible)? Do I attend one of his group meetings and unload this in a share (which I don't really belive is appropriate)? Please help.
Thank you for sharing, I can imagine that a situation of this sorts may be a source of resentment, frustration, maybe even worry and fear of judgement & slander.
Much like I have read, I believe that this program suggests of "Keeping my side of the street clean".
I love to use other people to define myself, who I am, what I deserve, etc.
It is completely dishonest, but I find my crazy self, believing that someone is speaking poorly of me, that someone gossiped about me, someone knows my PERSONAL business without my discretion.
I need to remind myself, with prayer - that I can only worry about myself.
The only business that I can ever deal about - is my own.
I need to pray, a lot... For other people who I resent.
And I always need reminders that I have little to no control over any one, any person, any place, and any thing.
You are not alone my friend.
"What other people think of us is none of our business"is something I heard in AA and it's helped me a lot.The eternal question is:"What am I going to do?"If you can't bring yourself to do what your sponsor suggested,ask for another suggestion! Whenever I'm stuck on the horns of a dilemma,I've learned to ask myself:"Which way is it easier to stay sober?"Maybe it's getting it off your chest at a meeting.There is nothing you cannot say at a meeting!Heck,I don't think there is anything I haven't heard at a meeting!
Pg 125 Bottom of 2cd paragraph, on pg 125, Sentence begins "Among us,.............."
Bottom of 3rd paragraph, sentence begins "We alcoholics.............."
Pg 124 1st full paragraph Starts "Henry Ford.............."
Pg 66 start at last paragraph, read to middle of pg 67 ending at sentence "Where were we to blame?"
Then do what your sponsor says to do without reservation
I was told a long time ago that what others think of me is none of my @&*$#^% business! If your "former roommate" is telling lies, then his sobriety is doomed to failure. And this time it won't be your fault. And all those others who are engaged in the gossip (a polite form of murder by character assassination)...? Their sobriety is also going to be a temporary state. True sobriety demands rigorous honesty and requires us to live life on a spiritual basis. Anything else simply won't work. As my sponsor told me, "The dead wood will weed itself out." It may take a while.... But it will happen!
First, ditch that sponsor and all such "friends" in the future. Consider unloading this on the forum as your final
step in "letting it go". You know the truth. You do not
have to prove or explain anything to anyone. Take the high
road and practice forgiveness. Alcoholics can be dishonest,
and some are very ill. Try to be grateful that you and
your friend have both found sobriety.
The sponsor here seems to be the villian. That position
must be eliminated from our fellowship. ANONYMOUS
the truth is I believe the only thing you need to do is keep your side of the street cleaned off.you have no control over anothers action but you do over yours. an I think you need to just keep doing what your doing to stay clean an sober; an just pray about it an pray for that other person,an your higher power will take care of the rest. an if no one has told you they love you today I do.
smile its a good day to be clean an sober.
We belong to a group of people who’s only requirement for entry is drinking excessively and all of the lying, cheating, stealing, law breaking and vomiting that goes with it. I find it difficult to believe that anyone in such a group could get any mileage out of 2 ½ year old gossip. Most of us are so self centered that we hardly give any attention to what anyone but ourselves are doing today. Resentments are the number one killer of alcoholics and that’s exactly what’s troubling you. The fourth through ninth steps kill resentments like sunshine on a vampire.
I used to hate to think about how I have to do the steps. That has changed. I now get to use the steps to make problems like you have go away, or better yet, stop them before they start. Isn't that exactly what we are promised?
We have a saying in AA, we keep OUR side of the street clean.
Just in case no one ever told you, alcoholics LIE! I know because I the biggest liar!
What I do in situations like yours, is first of all I think if they are talking about me, they must be pretty bored! Second, I take a good hard look at what is being said to see if there is some truth in it( we all know how we alcoholics can rationalize a situation so it's not our fault). Third, after inventorying the situation as AA's 4th,10th, and 11th step suggest, I turn my attention to someone I can help to get out of myself.
Lastly, I would be a little wary of a sponsor who tells you to do anything. it works best when we share what we have done in similar situations as I have done. Then you can only blame yourself if or when something goes wrong.
Good luck to you and God bless you
Re-reading the chapter Working With Others, reminded me that instead of "You should read the Big Book", I need to be saying "Myself, I read the Big Book, all of it." So I read it. What did I think, the last 411 pages were for, people who needed more fiber in their diet?
Putting together the information from the AA pioneers stories,
I saw clearly what I'm "Entitled" to.
The AA message.
A town the size of Chicago or a country the size of Canada (and 400 letters requesting help) to carry it to.
For thousands of years alcoholics didn't have that. They had insanity, institutions, death. The message came only 14 years before I was born and only 44 years before I needed it. I found it in minutes a few blocks from my home, a long way from where it had started.
I don't believe I'm "Entitled" to a meeting free of chanting, non approved literature, the right brand of sugar substitute, dust motes in the corner....
If I'm not "Entitled" to something I not getting, I really have no business feeling angry about it or not being able to impose MY WILL on those who HAVE IT ALL WRONG. I think I do my part keeping the group close to the AA ideal as I understand it. I think that's what I'm supposed to do.
I'm grateful that I get infinitely more than I'm entitled to.
I attend a noon meeting where newcomers that announce themselves, are given the AA zombie treatment. The members talk directly to them by name when they are sharing. The group secretary gives them , at no cost, a copy of the Big Book. Oddly, they never, hardly ever return. I don't recall ever being singled out at my first meeting. I would have never returned to that, or any other AA meeting. I am not a member of that meeting,r and I work when they hold their business meetings. The majority of that meeting openly state thy are Christian and they attend a nearby church that they say really helps them in their recovery. I know it must be hard for some of us to restrain our enthusiasm for our newfound freedom, but I don't know how to go about expressing my concerns. Any ideas? Or should I just leave them alone.
tradition 1, 3, 5,
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for A.A. membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. A.A. is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
One thing is for sure , If they haven't seen any miracles in there own surroundings,(and if it is like churches all over this land) they can and will see more miracles in our surroundings.
The pamphlet "the AA group" available in print or free for viewing online from GSO answers your questions. I wouldn't go there myself but groups have a great deal of freedom. Also the chapter in the Big Book "working with others" isn't just about the "man on the bed". A lot of the content explains exactly what works carrying the message in meetings too.