Burning Desire to Share

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jmariem
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Joined: 2012-05-27
Hi, I guess I'm just putting

Hi, I guess I'm just putting this out there, mostly because I need an outlet for my sick mind, and because I've been obsessing and obsessing and obsessing over stuff that I know I have absolutely no control over, but I entered AA because I wanted my ex back, and it absolutely enrages me that she doesn't want me back. God, it sounds terrible, writing these words. How selfish and self entered I am... How do you deal with the emotional wreckage that accompanies your very possible spiritual awakening? How do you know if you have has a spiritual awakening? Some days i think ive gotten it, and some days I think I haven't. I just celebrated nine months of sobriety, and I'm still an emotional mess. When does the pain stop? When does the healing begin? I want a guarantee on this thing, or I'm really scared I won't make it. I fled from life for many years, and my ex was my shelter from the rain and upheaval of life, I felt safe with her, and she left me because of my using. How can I make it up to her? When does this all begin to feel better?

Anonymous
love addiction

Hi, i am a love addict. You might want to look into that addiction too. An addiction usually does not come alone. For me, having a girlfriend was like the solution to all my problems in life. I was always caught in fantasies about having a girlfriend, sometimes when a girlfriend was leaving me it felt like I was dying. I needed a girlfriend to be whole, because I felt empty inside. This was really killing me. Having a girlfriend (or most often making fantasies about it, in my case) was my addiction. I needed it so badly, it is so difficult to describe. As you say, there was something selfish in that. But it is really difficult to see it for some people. I go to sex and love addicts anonymous meetings. There are usually several people who are also alcoholics at these meetings. And meetings work for that too.
But this is just a possibility. I don't know you. But it never hurts to learn about something.

And for your question, I have been in the program for 3 months now. And I already feel so much better. But don't mistake "feeling better" for "feeling no pain at all". Because the latter is just in our dreams. Nothing gets perfect, for anybody. And learning to accept it is part of the recovery. Just don't give up.

psanchez
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Joined: 2011-12-02
I'm just putting

My experience is that if I turn these types of things over to God, he will take care of it. First you have to trust God. His will for you will take you down the right path. The more you do this the more you will see what God can do for you. You will see your trust in God grow and then you will be open to seeing how God is working in your life.... AKA... spiritual awakening.

After all is it not your will that got you where you are today? Let go and let God. Do not resist change. Let it happen. If it is Gods will that you are to be in this relationship it will come back to you in time. Your actions are the only thing that will bring her back.....if it is Gods will. But regardless if she come back or not your actions will shine a light that others will see and will attract the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.

Let go and let God.

Anonymous
Reply to "I guess I'm just putting.."

You have alot of questions - all good - and are clearly in pain. You've raised many issues. First though is: Are you an alcoholic? You say you entered into AA "to get the ex back". Leaving that mission aside for now, as the results may have nothing to do with your sobriety/AA etc, was your life manageable while drinking as you were?
Could you connect many/most of your problems to your excessive drinking? And once you have had a drink is it difficult to control it from becoming excessive?
My hunch is you have had, and are having, a spiritual awakening - the evidence is that you are trying, ever so hard, to remain sober.
Spiritual experiences need not be entered into with a specific, tangible outcome. That's more the realm of our drinking/using days when we controlled the input and outcome. Once we recognize that jig is up, we are moved often to more adult notions of acceptance of any outcome, serenity with less-than-perfect results in a given situation.
You are still a newbie, like me. I gotta trust the wisdom of those with alot of time and those outside the program that simply get this way of living. You have every reason to have confidence that, while you can't CONTROL everything, you can MANAGE anything that comes your way, so long as you are sober and and willing to accept the simple gifts that life affords, and AA illustrates so well. js in nova

Anonymous
Just Putting

Sometimes they return. Many times they don't. Relationships
are our greatest problems, in and out of the fellowship. But
I have known MANY who have stayed sober regardless. Some
find others, some live alone. Some just stay in relationships although they are unhappy; There are worse
conditions than being alone. To me, when you use the word
"using", I assume you are also addicted to drugs.
We have many addicts today who are trying to stay clean.
Make an effort to understand them and help them, on a
one to one basis. You can help where no one else can. That
is how Bill W. stayed sober for the first six months,
by trying to help other alcoholics, Even though Bill was
using the wrong approach, and helped not one, Bill stayed
sober by trying to help others. We are not preachers, teachers, or advisors. We are fellow sufferers who need each other. Our aim is to help each other, not for any
personal gain. ANONYMOUS

AD010416
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Joined: 2012-01-18
Re: I guess I'm just putting

You ask, "How do you know if you have has a spiritual awakening?"
I don't know what your program has consisted of in the nine months you've been in AA but I know what mine was. I had my spiritual awakening "...as the result of these steps."
I didn't get it by doing ninety in ninety, I didn't get it by calling a sponsor every day, I got it by doing what someone suggested, I used my Big Book and a Higher Power. That gent didn't tell me to read the book or to study it, or even have someone interpret it for me, but to use it. My suggestion to you is to try that.

flimsyreed
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Joined: 2012-01-10
Spiritual awakening

A friend of mine told me when ever I realize any truth about myself, it is a type of a spiritual awakening, sounds like you might be in the middle of one right now my friend. Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Anonymous
RE: Spiritual Awakening

I think it was finally agreed that there may be as many
types of spiritual awakenings as there are people who
have had them. Some are immediate upheavals, but most in AA
are of the gradual progressive type. And it seems to make no difference how it happens. I believe that most AA members would be unable to pinpoint the exact time and place of the spiritual awakening. Their friends may be able to see the change more easily than the individual
Yes, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous, God's greatest
gift to the alcoholic sufferer and her/his family. ANONYMOUS

Anonymous
Podium

One of my pet peeves is hearing the lecturn called "the podium." As you can tell from the root of the word, "pod," it has something to do with a foot. You stand on a podium. You put your elbows on a lecturn. This is just a small grammatical point of order. It's OK to be literate in AA. Not all of us are stuck in street-talk. And by the way, I'm working on know-it-all-ism in my sixth and seventh steps. So now you know it too.

Anonymous
RE: Podium

Sorry to annoy you. I suppose head table would be more
suitable. In my dictionary the #2 definition of podium
is "lecturn". Much like spiritual and religious; They
both share the same meaning. Did you ever read the
description of humility on the plaque Dr. Bob kept on his
desk? When we have reached absolute humility, we will
no longer be vexed much by mundane annoyances. I suppose
we both have a long way to go. ANONYMOUS

Anonymous
A power greater than myself

I choose to call my HP GOD. And today i ask HIM to do for me what i can't do for myself. All of last night i tossed and turned, angry at GOD and humanity,to the point of almost being sick. This mornings meditation was on helping others. The topic in the noon-day meeting was on 12th step calls, which is also helping people. And the readings at aa meetings states that self seeking and pity will slip away, if we help others.

So,today i ask my HP to do for me what i can't do for myself, and that's to think of others above me.

Anonymous
Helping Others

I believe if I can ever get to the point where I can
place my concern of others above myself, I am gaining in
humility. I am convinced that the best thing we can do
for an alcoholic is to take the time to listen. Listening
not only helps them. It also is what I believe to be
a means of reducing my own EGO. I don't hear it much
any more, but EGO deflation at depth is the solution to
addiction. Drinking again is the most selfish, self-
centered thing that an alcoholic could do. ANONYMOUS

Anonymous
June issue of our AAGRAPEVINE

An article written for the June issue of the Grapevine,
titled PRECIOUS INK, contains an error which concerns me.
Bill W. prettymuch wrote the Big Book, except for the Doctors Opinion and the stories in the back of the book.
Dr Bob wrote his own story of course. But the book had not even been considered until much later, maybe 1937, or 1938. I have found nowhere that Dr. Bob collaborated with Bill to
write the first few chapters. It certainly did not take place when Bill stayed with Dr. Bob and Anne for several weeks. When the work was being done to print the book,
Bill collaborated with his friends in New York and
"faxed" copies to Dr. Bob. It was probably
snail mail. I just had a burning desire to share, and
do not see how to introduce a new topic. This is not a reply to A Power Greater than Myself. There are many
powers greater than me. ANONYMOUS

anonymous
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Joined: 2012-03-04
Re: June Issue of AA Grapevine

I agree with what you say and share your concern about this inaccurate information. The museum of Dr. Bob's home is not Alcoholics Anonymous, it is a separately incorporated outside enterprise.I don't think this outside enterprise, or the misinformation it provides should be confused with Alcoholics Anonymous. (Tradition 6). There seems to be a lot of myth and misrepresentation of AA history around in these days. I'm concerned that people seem to be getting their misinformation from outside websites, literature etc; instead of AA literature. AA history is published in "Alcoholics Comes of Age", "Pass it On", "The language of The Heart", "Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers" and pamphlets such as "AA Tradition How It Developed" and "The Jack Alexander Article".

Anonymous
Profanity in meetings

Please, don't use it! Profanity is the language of the streets, the bars, the jails. We are supposed to be "in recovery". What kind of examples are we being when our sharing is peppered with profanity and it always seems to be worse by the members professing how "spiritual" they are. Using God and the F-bomb in the same sentence is not my idea of a serene, spiritual program. Many of our meetings are also held in churches. We are guests of that church. Yet there are those of us who seem to not be aware of this fact and spew vulgarity all over YOU, ME, OUR GUESTS and THE CHURCH we are guests in. It's really embarassing and offensive and has kept me away from the meetings that tolerate it.
Charlz W.

Anonymous
re profanity in meetings

I agree, it is better to try to talk; and keep others in mind, I have slipped up now a lot less then I did in early sobriety! I was blessed with people that let me know that there are many words we can use in the English language, to use! Even with long term sobriety, I have slipped up, thanks for bringing it up!

Anonymous
If it bothers anybody, the

If it bothers anybody, the best thing to do is still to say it politely during the meeting, whether they are part of the meeting or if they are outside arranging stuffs. It surely can't be bad to talk about it. Maybe vote about it.

Anonymous
Profanity

I am also bothered by the profanity. Not for me personally, but I know it makes some people feel uncomfortable. Not every new-comer walking through the doors are coming from a profanity filled bar, prison, rehab, etc. like many of us.
For someone coming from a different background that may not include profanity laced rants, a meeting with that included goes from being uncomfortable and scary to downright unbearable.
I came into the rooms with a foul mouth and had a sponser who had a foul mouth. I related with him because he spoke my language. But he also taught me that it is all about the newcomer and meetings are not the place for that type of language because it may cause many to feel uncomfortable. It took some effort and I still slip sometimes, but you will rarely hear me cuss anymore (even outside of meetings).

Anonymous
RE: Profanity

Mutual respect is the key to our usefulness profanity lacks mutual respect and that's what it's here for !!!!

Anonymous
respect

for some people this is how they speak with their heart. This is their natural language I guess, this is their way of being honnest and speak with the words of their feelings. I don't like it either and I prefer if they make efforts to avoid that. But usually I hear that from only one or two persons in the meeting. I don't enjoy it but it doesn't make my ears "dirty" and nobody is wounded. I tolerate it as long as it does not happen every ten seconds and as long as it is not used in any sentence. I tolerate it when it is used to show anger when no other words come to the person's mind, because of a lack of vocabulary or because the word is the one that really describes the best their feeling.

Solutions
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Joined: 2011-06-07
Always inclusive

As far as the Church thing goes keep in mind that Jesus sought out the lowest sinner to minister to not the Pharisees.
My home group meets in a church basement and one of the many signs we have hanging reads "No was ever offended by a lack of profanity" This said my home group is also one in which most of us wouldn't normally mix. We have men fresh out of prison, woman who have lived under the bridges along with lawyers, newspaper editors, and just every day run of the mill drunks. My point is that locker room language is a part of life for many of us. That's how they express themselves in their pier groups in the sober houses and in the barracks so how can we reject them for being who they are in a meeting. Remember Principles before Personalities.
Dennis D.

Anonymous
Always inclusive

Recovery is about change. Change of habit. Change of talk. Change of actions. The way we talk, act, and the things we do, can lead to a relaspes.
If i am not willing to change, then i am just sober. And my life is just as unmanagealbe as when i drank.

Anonymous
Always inclusive

We ought to be welcoming to any alcoholic who has a
desire to get well. The first tradition guards the
individual AA member's right to think, talk and act as
he wishes. I believe we have a better chance of helping
newer members if we listen to them, rather than trying to tell them how to talk. Hopefully they will learn to clean
up their language if we can hold on to them. I believe
more alcoholics are pushed away by a self-righteous or
patronizing attitude than are repulsed by profanity. Did
you ever ask those men and women who were in prison, or
slept under the bridges, if they came to our rooms on their
way down to the bridges and prison. Did we push them
away and further down by the use of profanity? Or did
we fail them by preaching to them? ANONYMOUS

Anonymous
This seems to be a problem

This seems to be a problem with alot of meetings in my area too. I would suggest that you bring up the profanity use to those that are using it so much and not let them take away your serenity. Sometimes if we talk to someone one on one it works better and they seem to listen more. Just a suggestion and yes I have taken my own advise about my meetings and things went very well. The most important thing to remember is your sobriety and you keep that first.

anonymous
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Joined: 2012-03-04
re: profanity in meetings

…. “That was my first A.A. meeting. I went back to that mattress and I lay down and I said, ‘I’m gonna get drunk and go out and kill that bastard. I’ll kill his wife, then kill him. No. I won’t. I’ll kill the whole damn A.A.”… Norman Y. (Extract from Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers p 183)

I’m not sure which is worse; spewing profanity or spewing pious indignation. A.A. is not a church, it’s a room full of spiritually bankrupt drunks and ex drunks handling their resentments as best they can, trying to stay sober one day at a time. I used to get wound up in meetings at what I heard, but then I realized maybe some alcoholics got wound up when I opened my mouth. That was when I learned what tolerance was; for me to be able listen to what I found was intolerable in others, without judgement, without resentment. I needed to correct what was wrong in me, not others. We claim spiritual progress, not perfection. Some of us have further to come than others. It is not for me to judge another alcoholic’s spirituality when I can’t see my own. However, too much spewing profanity does offend, so maybe you could suggest holding a group conscience on how you feel and perhaps suggest the group reads The Language of the Heart p 252-253, where Bill W. talks of alcoholics being turned away from AA by “spiritual cocksureness, pride, and aggression” “rank aggression in the name of spirituality.” I’ve seen these things come from all sides, and I think it does turn alcoholics away.

Anonymous
RE: re: profanity at meetings

The article Bill wrote for the AAGRAPEVINE, April 1961
issue, GOD AS WE UNDERSTAND HIM: THE DILEMMA OF NO FAITH,
ought to be required reading for all AA members. The following chapter in Language of the Heart, Humility
for Today, June 1961 should also be read. Read and
study the whole book. Bill covers most of what is wrong
with today's A.A. in this book. Bill tells that we
failed perhaps half a million suffering alcoholics in
the first twenty five years, many because of our spiritual
cocksureness, pride and agression. Bill calls it unconscious arrogance. (I believe Bill is talking
about religious aggression). This aggression had already
crept into AA tradition and is entrenched in the AA
meeting of today. Most of the reason for this is the
reading of How It Works and the 24 hour book from the
podium (lecturn) at A.A. meetings. ANONYMOUS

AD010416
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Joined: 2012-01-18
Re: Profanity in Meetings

Let me see if I get this right; those who get upset by profanity in AA meetings are showing spiritual cocksureness, etc and rank aggression in the name of spirituality, but those who are upset at reading Chapter Five, holding hands, praying, etc. are concerned that the newcomer is being chased away?
Apparently the quote from page 183, "Dr Bob and the Good Oldtimers" is supposed to back up claims that profanity is acceptable. Yet on page 224 of the same book I find, "And if he was sitting at a meeting and a man used bad language, Dr. Bob would say, 'you have a very good lead, Young Man, but it would be more effective if you cleaned it up a bit.'"
Selective tolerance?

Anonymous
Pious indignation.

Thanks for describing me so well. At least I was that way
for years. You are right. We are in the church building,
usually in the basement. But A.A. was never intended to
be a church or a religion. If any member wants to attend
church, go upstairs. Bill W. explained so much of this
stuff, especially in Lang. At a couple of my meetings the
format reads; Please avoid the use of profanity at this
meeting. That is the end of it. No one is called on how
they share. One poster reminded me that page one of
Tradition one guarantees the individuals right to think,
talk and act as he wishes.
Thanks again for writing this reply so well, not just
copying from someone else. (not that there is anything wrong
with that). ANONYMOUS

AD010416
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Joined: 2012-01-18
Re: Pious Indignation

Religion has nothing to do with whether or not we use profanity in an AA meeting. Respect has everything to do with it. If we meet in a church, respect for the building at our disposal. Respect for those of us who are forced to listen to us. And self respect (as opposed to self esteem).
Most of our local meetings are held in churches, in whatever room the church makes available to us. Across the hall from a Tuesday night meeting, two of the rooms are use by Girl Scout troops at the same time, and next door is a bible study. On Thursday in another church the Boy Scouts share the building. I don't know of many local meetings where AA has the entire church to itself.
One Monday night the speaker described anything and everything that didn't suit her as being "f...ed up" Just outside the door several ladies were rearranging the church bulletin board, and Tuesday afternoon the group was notified that their presence was no longer welcome in that particular church. Another group has been evicted from at least two churches due to the behavior of those who attend.
I'm sure some would argue that the members of those churches are narrow minded and intolerant. This is supposed to be a program of attraction, isn't it? How attractive is AA to those folks?

Heatherserenity
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Joined: 2012-04-21
Trying something new

Hello, I have been in the program for six months give or take. I really want the program to work for me but I am having trouble getting some "time". I go for a few days clean then not, then I go for a few weeks clean and then throw it all away in one night. I recently lost thirty nine days and am starting over again, here it is day seven. I want this program to work for me I go to meetings daily, I have a great sponsor and we talk daily, I pray, I read, I study but I am missing something. I need to be able to "share" with someone. It does not have to be only one person and I am writing this in the hopes that maybe since I have alot of time by myself with a computer handy that this will be an outlet for me. I hope to get any advice anyone has for me. I want to be sober so bad, one day at a time.

Anonymous
re try something new

How about trying something old? in the tenth step in the big book, it talksabout alcohol being a subtle foe and that we have a daily reprieve from alcohol.
At the end of Step 11 it talks about faith without works is dead.
At the begining of step 12 it says nothing will so much insure imunity from alcohol as intensive work with other alcoholics.
Thats just the last three steps. do the best you can with one through nine, then practice 10,11, & 12 daily and you will not only not drink, you will become happy,joyous, & free.
Good luck and God bless.

Anonymous
re: trying something new

I had to figure out by trial and error what worked for me, not only to keep me from drinking, but also to acquire a little peace in between meetings. I did a lot of online reading of AA and non-AA materials to get a better understanding or at least workable knowledge of the principles in each step and tradition as I encountered them. There are a couple of good AA history sites which have a lot of good articles from the early days on what the program meant to those folks. Also read as much of the writings of Thich Nhat Hanh and other living Buddhists, which gave me a better understanding of what is meant by "service," which propelled me to get involved in the service work folks had been suggesting was vital to my recovery. And it has been. Happy trails.

onesixteen
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Joined: 2012-01-11
Service - Changing it up

Hi, Sometimes when I'm too wrapped up in what I want for Me, things don't go as well. When I begin to think of others and how I can help them, and then do something for someone else, I start to feel better about everything. See if there is a service opportunity at your general service office or meeting, and how you can get more involved with the program. Best wishes - Let go, let God.

psanchez
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Joined: 2011-12-02
RE: Trying Somthing New

Have you taken the 12 steps yet. This is a requirement if you really want this program to work for you. You must take then as quickly and thoroughly as you can. This doesn't mean that once you take then you are done that's when the real work begins.

I was fortunate when I fist came in that my Sponsor's, yes I have 3, took me to a 12 step workshop where we took the steps in one day. This has laid a great foundation for me. I continue to go to that workshop every month to help other take their steps and I have incorporated them into my one day at a time life style.

psanchez
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Joined: 2011-12-02
RE: Trying Somthing New

Have you taken the 12 steps yet. This is a requirement if you really want this program to work for you. You must take then as quickly and thoroughly as you can. This doesn't mean that once you take then you are done that's when the real work begins.

I was fortunate when I fist came in that my Sponsor's, yes I have 3, took me to a 12 step workshop where we took the steps in one day. This has laid a great foundation for me. I continue to go to that workshop every month to help other take their steps and I have incorporated them into my one day at a time life style.

Anonymous
"Time"

Try not to get so wrapped up in how much 'time' you or any one else has. It doesn't matter. You said it,"One Day At A Time".

Anonymous
In Our Own Words

I notice an increasing tendency for people on this list and AA people in general to simply repeat phrases from the AA literature rather than relating their own experience with the program. One of my earliest memories of AA was of a woman speaking at the podium who talked about "contempt prior to investigation." I wasn't impressed. My thought was "people don't talk that way." AA quotes are a way of relating to people already in AA, but to me they can easily sound pretentious and often may not even be understood. I try to relate my own story in my own words.

flimsyreed
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Joined: 2012-01-10
In our own words

I think that statement is half right. What I have found to be the truth for me is all I really have is my experience filtered through what I have found in this book. When we stay with the solution that is presented in this text,mixed with our own experiences, before and after then I think we have something solid to offer. In my opinion and my life, what I have found is one without the other isn't enough. Without this book I believe our message can get very watered down. Also, I don't think there is much of a better way of saying a lot that's in here than the authors of this book did to begin with. And without my experience, well, pardon the quote but "frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices".

Anonymous
Frothy isn't appealing

I know there are a lot of people in AA who feels as you do. But I think book quoting has more to do with trying to impress other sober members than it does with carrying the message. A newcomer isn't going to understand what "frothy emotional appeal" means. Beer is frothy. I don't know how an emotional appeal can be "frothy." Do you?

Anonymous
ok

I don't really like it either but that's ok.

Anonymous
Sober, one day at a time

It's true. I've had 9 years sober at one time; a year sober,here and there; and many times have, went months without drinking,only to have it end in a relaspes. Partly because i stood in the way of my sobriety. But that's behind me now. I only have today. If i am sober for twenty-four hours, then i feel aa has worked for me. Because one day is all i have.

Anonymous
One day at a time!

I entered a long term recovery program August 8,2011, my sobriety date, and the first 2 months were spent anguishing about how long term the program actually was; there was NO WAY I could stay here for 24 months. Once I found a sponsor and shared with her over and over that it was just to much for me her answer every time was STAY IN TODAY. Finally I accepted that all I HAD to do was stay for the day if I wanted to leave I could always leave tomorrow.And it worked I have now been in recovery for 9.5 months. It flew by and I am so greatful my Higher Power sent me my sponsor.

Lisa H

Anonymous
Working a honest program

Today, i must be honest with myself. I'm a very judgemental and critical person, as far as others are concerned. I condemn others for the defects that i have in myself.

I often treat others ill, and when they retaliate, i am hurt. Like the big-book says 'seemingly unprovoked', but i know in most cases i caused it on myself.

Today i will take a very good look at myself and my actions towards others, and see where i am at fault.

onesixteen
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Joined: 2012-01-11
amen

I totally agree with what you said and I need to remember this. Thank you.

Anonymous
Letting go and letting GOD

I have come to the conclusion that if i am to stay sober, then i am going to have to get out of the way. I can't follow my own sick mind, and prideful heart.
I can't do my own thing, and expect to stay sober.

Ira H.
Abany, GA

onesixteen
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Joined: 2012-01-11
Insanity :-)

That's the definition of insanity, doing the same thing (my thing) and expecting different results (sobriety). I have to be careful not to try to work the program my may. I already tried my way and the results were a disaster. The AA way is way better :-). Keep u the good work.

Solutions
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Joined: 2011-06-07
The beginning of your quote

The beginning of the definition by Einstein on insanity goes " You can never solve a problem with the same kind of thinking that created the problem in the first place, the very definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over the same way and to expect a different result." It our alcoholic mind and our alcoholic thinking that kept leading us into disaster. We needed a new way of thinking and acting. Thank god for the 12 steps of AA.

Anonymous
RE: Letting go and letting GOD

Submitted by Anonymous on Tue, 2012-05-15 16:42.

I have come to the conclusion that if i am to stay sober, then i am going to have to get out of the way. I can't follow my own sick mind, and prideful heart.
I can't do my own thing, and expect to stay sober.

Question? Did your own sick mind come to that conclusion?
An oxymoron answer or what !!!

Anonymous
Only The Sick needs a Doctor

Only the sick needs a Doctor---And only the drunk needs aa.
The non-alcoholic has no need of aa.
My way has never worked. Through my own sick thinking i stayed drunk. So today i let go and let GOD.

Anonymous
Just want a night!!

I am so happy to have reached 99 days sober. I have been through many physical medical problems and surgeries and am actually doing great. My family life is also doing great. I have been doing great in my sobriety. We just had a party for my son with beer and wine in the house and I didn't crave the alcohol one bit. I was so proud of myself. Why is it today that I just have this strong urge to just want a night to go out and have a good time drinking. Just for a night. Of course I don't want just one drink. It would have to be enough to get toasted but I just really want it. I haven't had this urge for a while. I know that if I did it I would be right back to square one because the next day, I would probably just want it over again no matter how hungover I would be or how much I would forget for blacking out but I still want it. I also don't want to throw away all of what I worked for to date. I feel so torn and mad at myself for feeling this way. The clock is moving so slow as I am waiting for tonight's meeting. I just figured I would share now to get me closer to the meeting. I wondered if anyone else out there had the same feelings.

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