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Don't Cry For Me: Smile!
Blindness was a sad state of affairs until he changed on the inside
I have been blessed to become
sober on Nov. 6, 1996, while in
an Oklahoma prison. I became
blind in September 1997, while
I was in prison, after a brain
surgery that went bad. After
that surgery I spent the next
two years blind and in prison—a sad
state of affairs. I made it by changing
on the inside first.
My story is about a bad negative
attitude. The main reason I drank
and drugged over the past many
years was this: Reality and sobriety
sucked! I was not raised with wisdom
or common sense, nor was I
taught to use it. Like a lot of alcoholics,
I grew up in an alcoholic home
with a lot of craziness going on. I
did go to church when I was about
8, but only with my older brother,
leaving Mom behind at home
to nurse her hangovers. So there
was no role model to watch this
whole God thing in the process.
What I saw was a drunk behaving
irrationally and neurotically—a real
drama queen.
Thus I was programmed by
what I saw growing up, and I followed
suit. Instead of acting properly
with wisdom or common sense,
I overreacted like Mom would. Man,
the times I heard my teachers tell
me, "Steve, can't you think before
you speak or do anything?" Nope! It
wasn't in my makeup.
When I got sober I started to
think more than ever, and it started
to hurt. Here I was, blind and sober.
Poor me: Life sucks; people suck; nobody
understands me; nothing good
could ever happen to me. Talk about
a negative mindset! It would take a
God to change that mindset. But it
happened! It took much prayer, fellowship
with positive—minded people
and the right reading material
to get on the right track of dealing
with life on life's terms. Alcoholics
Anonymous was my first positive
book to start the change. Then I
grew to love listening to positive
speakers who had gone through the
madness like me, to learn what they
are doing now. I learned so much being
blind. I truly think I would not
have learned half the stuff I learned
if I were sighted. When you are blind
you aren't sitting at the table of AA
or church looking at Ms. Cleavage
across the room, not hearing a word
that is said. OK, guys, don't cry for
me. Smile.
I can't tune anyone out—preachers,
TV, radio or others around me.
One thing I have learned in the whole
"I want to grow up" thing: Whatever
I allow to come into my head, I ask
myself, Can I learn or use something
from this, or not? I have learned so
much with this new mindset.
I do make it all about me, to listen
to what I can use to grow up and
be an asset to God, people and myself.
Thinking about the good stuff
each day keeps my mind in the right
course of feelings and actions. I have
learned by much trial and error. I
can now think myself into right actions.
Wow! No more bondage to a
negative mind.
I start out in the morning lifting
my arms to God, praising him for
another great day before I even find
out if it is or not—faith. I make my
coffee, then get on my knees to pray
for others and turn on a few of my
positive preachers or speakers. After
prayers I call a few AA or Christian
friends. By then I am ready to start
my day off feeling good without
a drink.
After much repetition and practice,
I have learned to use my own
mind to deal with life's struggles,
mishaps, disappointments and pity
issues, which at first used to baffle
the crap out of me. Get it? I did. I
have a great life and I stay sober and
serene.
Steve C.
Tulsa, Okla.
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