To Hell and Back
When I became a member of Alcoholics Anonymous in September 1988, I wasn't sure that the
program would work for me. But I was driven by the fear of what might happen to
me and my children if I didn't give it a try.
Fear was
probably the very thing I needed to bring me to the point of surrender
necessary to recover. When staying sober became my number-one priority, I
started to do things differently. I went to many meetings, I got a sponsor, I
created a network of people in recovery around me, I became a part of that same
network by working with others, and sobriety became my life.
During my
first ninety days of sobriety, I had a few spiritual experiences and some deep
revelations. One in particular was of the burning-bush variety. The guilt and
shame of past experiences were lifted from me and have not, to this day,
returned. I had used the guilt and shame to feel like the worst of the worst,
and when they were lifted I became just like everyone else, no better, no
worse.
When I was six
months sober, my daughter, age eleven months, drowned in a bathtub due to my
human failings. As I struggled with this reality, my AA group carried me as far
as they could. Then they turned me over to God. I needed God then more than
ever before and I'm grateful that I was already convinced he was there for me.
At one year
sober, I came to the realization that I still had two older children who needed
me. I decided to get busy. I came off welfare and became the only female
carpenter in the local union. Being a single parent, I had plenty to keep me
busy and always had things to worry myself about. On top of all this, I got
into a relationship with a fellow alcoholic who would move in and out on a
monthly basis.
At two years
sober, I decided to build a house. Looking back, I haven't the slightest idea
how I accomplished all that I did. Surely I had plugged into a power that was
not my own. A year later my two sons and I moved into our brand-new home. (My
boyfriend--whom I am still greatly fond of today--had left me once and for
all.)
During my
second and third sober years my moods began to swing dramatically from extreme
highs to suicidal depressions. I sought help from counselors and psychiatrists.
Repeatedly I refused medications and treatment because of what I had come to
believe in AA. My peers in AA said that if you were taking medications then you
weren't clean and sober. I concluded that my mood swings were understandable
given my life situations.
When my
husband-to-be came into my life, I was as happy as I'd ever been. My husband--a
widower with a daughter--was also in recovery and was eager to be my partner in
life. My step-daughter needed me and I needed her too. My sons needed a father
and now they would have one. Life was good at last.
I quit work
for a while to be a mom and housewife. I had little or no stress and we were
all happy. Then after two months of marriage, I went into a depression so deep
that I wanted to die. I tried everything--meetings, sponsors, Steps, prayers,
etc.--and I just couldn't come out of it. This time I had nothing to pin it on.
It didn't make sense. I felt crazy and I began to doubt all that I'd come to
believe in through sobriety.
After three
months of relentless depression, I wound up in a psychiatric unit. I had become
as willing to listen as only the dying can be. I was diagnosed manic-depressive
(bi-polar disorder), and finally I was willing to try medications, anything
that would relieve me of the merciless depression.
During the
next two years, I had ten stays in the psychiatric unit. I was arrested once
for assault charges after striking my husband. I slit my wrist and overdosed on
my medications. My step-daughter was taken away (overnight) by the child
protection services. I wanted to die more than I wanted to live. I knew only
that I was living in hell, and I was taking everyone I loved right along with me.
I was afraid of dying but living seemed worse.
After five
years of sobriety, I drank again. I don't blame my relapse on my mental
condition; I know that my sobriety lost its priority, and for that I am
responsible. Drinking wasn't the worst thing that happened during those years
and I no longer believe that drinking is the worst thing that could happen to
me today. I've been to hell in sobriety, and quite frankly I would rather
drink.
I have five
months sober today, and I am finally taking the medications that work for me. I
am in group therapy for mentally ill chemically-addicted clients. I have
recently started individual therapy (on a long-term basis). I attend regular AA
meetings, and I have a host of friends who accept and love me unconditionally.
During the
course of my lifetime, I have experienced trauma after trauma, as have many of
us. I am without a doubt an alcoholic. I also suffer from grave emotional and
mental disorders. Without help for my problems other than alcohol, I will get
drunk, and drunk I will never be able to work through these problems.
The Steps of
AA work wonders on alcoholism, but they can't guide me through all of my
problems. I need outside help, and just like a diabetic, I will have to take
medication for the rest of my life. I wish that more people in AA could
understand this. I and some friends have started a new meeting for people in
recovery who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders. We call it the
Forgotten Chapter group, because of Dr. Silkworth's remarks in "The
Doctor's Opinion" in the Big Book. We are just getting it off the ground
and there is much interest and input. We're all very grateful for one another
and hopeful as well.
I love AA and
everything that I have found there. If I hadn't gotten sober my
manic-depression wouldn't have been diagnosed, and I don't like to think about
where I might be.
Instead, I
have a purpose today: to share my experience, strength, and hope with others
like me.
Tena W.
Kingston,Washington
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