Full CircleA member with 55 years talks about what it takes for him to stay sober
After my three years in the Navy ended in 1946, I went back to college on the GI
bill and I married the girl I fell in love with in the seventh grade. Life was
good. My wife, Annie, and I went to college together for the first two
years we were married and life was very good. We had a little daughter
and life was even better.
We had lots of old
friends from school
and we had parties at
each others' homes. Of
course, there was alcohol. I always drank more
than anyone else and
at times made an ass of
myself, but drinking was
not a big problem yet.
Over the next three
years, my drinking
got worse and finally
became the focal point
of my life. The next
drink became the most
important thing in my
life, ahead of my family,
my job and my friends. I
drank all day, every day.
In the spring of 1953
I called AA, and a man
came to see me. His
name was Nick S. and he
became my sponsor. I really liked AA and started
going to the two small
meetings that took place
at that time in downtown
Riverside, California.
There were no chips
for time sober like there
are now, and no one put
folding money into the
basket. Your sponsor
would give you a dime
and tell you to only use it
to call him or another AA
member if you thought
you might take a drink.
There were no women
in our meetings. I think
I was about two years
sober the first time a
woman came to our
meeting.
I was 27. All the men
were years older than me
and they called me "the
kid." I thought, How can I
be a real alcoholic when
I'm only 27? So I kept on
drinking, yet still went
regularly to the meetings
held in Riverside, and
one on Saturday night in
another town. To say the
least, I was not popular
at any of the meetings, smelling like stale
wine. My sponsor was
disgusted with me, and
referred to me as "that
ding dong."
Any alcohol that I
drank usually made me
sick, but particularly
wine. My wine of choice
was ruby red port, 39
cents a bottle. I really
didn't like the stuff but it
was cheap. I had lost a
nice house and was renting a shack of a house
that was in a weed patch
behind the aircraft factory where I worked. Every
morning that I came to I
would head for the bathroom, fall on my knees,
wrap my arms around
the toilet and throw up. I
knew that I was going to
do this all over again the
next morning.
I realized that I could
not stop drinking, even if
I wanted to. I was having
panic attacks every day,
and I knew the hopelessness of my lot was here
to stay. The only way I
could escape was to take
another drink. I was truly
in a vicious cycle.
By now, I could take
Step One with no illusions
whatever. I knew I was
an alcoholic and in deep
trouble. Step Two and
Three are where I ran into
problems. I was raised
with the concept of a
punishing God, and I did
not think "he" wanted
anything to do with me. I
hated myself, so I figured
God hated me, also.
Nick was disgusted
with me and told me
that if I came over to his
house again drunk, he
would call the sheriff on
me. My mother-in-law
had to bail me out of the
Riverside County Jail for
driving drunk the day
after my wife had our
second daughter. To say
the least, my mother-in-law was not happy
with me and told me as
much. I kept on drinking
for the next four months
because I could not stop.
On the evening of
March 14, 1954, I was
sitting in my old 1934
sedan in my driveway
when I had that moment
of clarity. I could clearly
see what a disaster my
life had become. I cried
out to this God I was
terrified of and said:
"Please take away this
compulsion to drink. I'll
do anything. I cannot do
this anymore. Please help
me." I totally and unconditionally surrendered
with no reservations
whatever. I sat there for
what seemed a long time,
and a feeling of peace
came over me that I had
never felt before. I knew
it was over. I knew that
I had a choice now, and
did not have to take a
drink if I didn't want to.
I'm 83 now and I have
not had to take a drink
of alcohol or any other
mind-altering substance
for 55 years. I've had to
deal with a head full of
negative and fearful stuff
and my recovery was long
and painful at times. I
still had anxiety attacks
and guilt and remorse,
but I stayed sober.
I started going on
Twelfth Step calls with my
sponsor Nick, and he became like a father to me.
I had another sponsor,
Keith, and I spent many
nights at his house while
he read the Big Book to
me, because I was too
rummy to read it myself.
I have been very active
in AA and have had the
privilege to sponsor other
men.
A newcomer once
asked: "How did you stay
sober all these years?"
I said: "Well, I guess you
just don't drink and you
don't die, and keep going
to lots of meetings!"
After a year sober, I
went back to college and
earned a bachelor's and
a master's degree. I had
the joy of teaching kids
for 33 years. I used the
principles of AA often in
my teaching career.
Annie stayed with me
during those dark days
of my disease. We have
a wonderful marriage, a
great relationship with our
kids and grandkids and
a host of friends, mostly
AAs. My wife and I have
become like parents and
grandparents to many in
the program. So Annie and
I feel like we have come
full circle in AA: from kids
to grandparents. Once
again, life is good!
Tom H.
Aptos, California
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