From the December 1982 magazine.

. . . And a Partridge in a Pear Tree

TWO TURTLEDOVES . . . five golden rings . . . nine ladies dancing . . . and a partridge in a pear tree!

Sounds great today, but none of those lovely things would have slowed me down a bit when I was drinking, because my twelve gifts of Christmas (and any other time) were always twelve fifths of booze. What better gift for a dedicated, high-flying drunk?--especially during the holidays.

I always began the Yuletide season along about the middle of October, just to get a running start, picked up speed around Thanksgiving, and finally crashed down with a sickening thud the day...

-- Anonymous

San Antonio, Texas