From the June 1987 magazine.

New Soil

Putting down spiritual roots

The white dogwood flowers look like snow against the new green of the sweet gums and pin oaks. Azaleas splash bright red, orange, and hot pink among the softer cherry and crabapple blossoms. It is my second sober spring, and I am still surprised at the generous color and the newness of it all. I am grateful to see it, and wonder aloud with friends whether it's always been here, each spring as beautiful as this. "Welcome back to the world," they say.

Yet while I am awed and inspired by the season, deep in my heart I hold a secret. It is painful and I am ashamed of it. Yet it is a simple, common, alcoholic secret. One day during a quiet afternoon AA meeting, among those who know me well, I tearfully share my secret. Yes, I say, I love the beauty of spring, and the beauty of the program, and sobriety, and my wonderful support system. But I still don't feel a part of, or connected to, the power that created all of this. You tell me it is so, and I believe you! But I don't feel it inside me, and I am afraid I never will.

-- C. I.

Lithonia, Georgia

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