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September 1991

A Wagonload of Forgiveness

Step Nine

The word "sin" is not one we often hear at meetings. I must admit, however, as a kid I felt sinful. Guilt must follow sin and fear must follow guilt. Such seems to be our psychological makeup. What was I to do with this "unholy trinity" of sin, guilt, and fear? Ego told me the best way to get rid of it was to project it onto other people; they were the guilty ones, not me. I began to look outside myself for scapegoats. I wanted to see in others the very defects that were in me. Now I needed a technique to keep distance between myself and those I hated and this is where anger came into the picture. As long as I stayed angry at others I didn't have to look at myself. This anger prevented me from having healthy relationships and it certainly got in the way of my being able to experience the Eighth and Ninth Steps. It took a wagonload of forgiveness for me to be able to make the list and be willing to make amends. I realize today that anger is nothing more than an attempt to make someone else feel guilty. Anger is never justified. Mind you, I'm not saying that I do not get angry. I'm simply saying it is never justified. I may be angry but I am willing not to be.

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