From the July 2011 magazine.

On My Way To Nowhere

With her life spinning out of control, and after trying several times to stop drinking on her own, a woman surrenders

"I sat on my front porch and cried."

Swaying from side to side, I grasped onto the kitchen cabinet and took another big gulp of my rum-and-lime diet soda. As I made dinner and smoked cigarettes in the kitchen, my 7-year-old daughter asked me a question about her homework. I don't remember the question but I do remember what she said next. "I just want a mom with a mind," she shouted and threw her homework down and ran crying into her bedroom. I remember my husband getting really angry at her and telling her not to disrespect her mother. I don't remember much after that.

Some months later I had a flashback of the conversation. I don't recall what I was doing. I could never recall anything. There were so many blackouts. I decided to stop drinking that day. No AA, no Big Book, no sponsor. I just stopped cold turkey. And I did, for four months. I was "sober." Little did I know at that time what the word "sober" meant. That was in September of 2006.

-- Jill N.

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