Grapevine Online Exclusive

Published October 2011.

Web Exclusive: On the Rat Wheel

Obsessive thinking nearly led her to a drink until she turned it over to a Higher Power

"Around and around the obsession went in the same direction it had always gone, heading straight for a drink.

I came into AA when I was 29 years old. Some may say that was young but at the time I was worn out. I started drinking at 10 years old and I started hiding my alcoholism from myself and others at the age of 18. So, for 11 years I worked hard to make sure that I didn't appear to be the alcoholic that I had been born to be. The last four years of my drinking I lived alone which allowed me to drink every night without worrying that anyone might suspect I was an alcoholic. Even though there was no one around to hide my drinking from I still worked hard to hide it from myself as well as from strangers.

The nightly drinking in combination with the energy I used to hide my drinking is what I believe led me to an early bottom. When I hit bottom, I still had my health, a job, a car, a nice place to live and lots of friends. However, I was spiritually bankrupt and exhausted. When I finally admitted to myself and my friend Bob—who was a friend of Bill W.'s— that I was an alcoholic, Bob took me to an AA meeting. I was reluctant to go to AA because my father had gone there many times, and I was sure that the meetings would be full of old men telling stories about the good old days.

-- Molly H.

Fresno, California

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