Grapevine Online Exclusive

God Doesn't Create Junk

She had to give up perfectionism and learn to value herself

I will always be amazed at the wisdom I find in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I once heard that it is not what you say that matters, but how you make someone feel that counts. I want to make a difference, and that is a whole new concept for me, an alcoholic. You either give your life to something, or throw it away for nothing. I valued myself only on the basis of the approval of others. I was very good at pleasing others to an extreme, while ignoring my own deficiencies and insecurities. I not only failed to achieve my own happiness, but was robbed of that sense of personal satisfaction that goes with it. 

My adult life was burdened by the pressure of being a “first born” over achiever. I became a highly functioning, blurry-eyed, hand-shaking, anxiety-ridden, unfocused, blackout form of social drinker, but not an alcoholic. I am sure I am not alone. My perfectionism was just another form of self-abuse and destruction of my spirit, leaving me “a nothing” if I couldn't be perfect at something. Those were my options. Art and life evolve, and my life as I have heard is progress, not perfection. A work in progress is never perfect. But changes can be made. My sober, authentic life that I have created for myself is art in its highest form. God doesn't create junk.

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