From the December 2012 magazine.

December 2012: A Day in the Park

After years of alcoholic hell, watching birds fly and flowers bloom doesn't seem so bad

There was a time when I was so powerless over my craving for alcohol that I actually put a loaded gun against my temple and pulled the trigger. When it did not go off, being the good alcoholic I am (alcoholics hate losing control over anything), I shot it again, but it hit my radiator. The indentation is there to this day to remind me of the incredible emotional pain of wanting to quit and having no control over my life.

A year or two after this incident, my doctor again told me to stop drinking because I had a fatty liver, a precursor to cirrhosis. Of course I was unable to stop. Not long after this conversation, I found myself lying on the bathroom floor. I had vomited up blood, yet somehow managed to crawl to the bedroom to retrieve Bear, my beloved teddy bear. I wanted to die.

-- Carol S.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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