An Alcoholic Fable

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAN who set out to invent the world's greatest whip socket to grace the dashboard of every buggy. This fellow had the very highest motives and noblest resolves. By testing with great zeal he found the very best materials. By tenacity of purpose and strict adherence to the most objective procedures he succeeded in producing the whip socket par excellence, a veritable paragon. (Keep a crying towel handy, this next part is real sad.)