Once Over Lightly

DRUNKOMETERS EVERYWHERE DEPT.: Out in the wilds of British Columbia, a sot was rattling around the local lockup, protesting his sobriety and demanding a test to prove it. "Sir," he said to the sergeant, "I demand a test. And since it will undoubtedly prove my sobriety, I must be released instantly. If, however, the test--by some remote chance--proves positive, I'll go to my cell willingly."