13 Suggested Steps for Staying Drunk

1. Never drink before noon if you won't wake up until 11:59 AM.


2. Never eat on an empty stomach; have only two or three drinks before meals, including breakfast.


3. Learn to count: "One, two, three, four, two-or-three, two-or-three, two-or-three. . .,"


4. Buy two pints at a time; only alcoholics buy their booze by the quart.


5. If straight liquor is messing you up, switch to mixed drinks (shots and beers); if it is the hard stuff that's doing it to you, stick with wine and beer (glasses of wine with beer chasers).


6. Drink only for medicinal purposes; if a little makes you feel good, more should make you feel better.


7. Try not to drink while driving; you might spill some.


8. Reserve your heavy drinking for holidays only (Groundhog Day, Millard Fillmore's Birthday, the Independence Day of Liechtenstein, etc.).


9. Never accept the possibility that booze can make you ill; your Monday-morning sickness may be flu, plague, beriberi, Rocky Mountain spotted fever, etc.


10. Never accept responsibility for anything you do when you've been drinking unless it is something you can brag about; remain convinced that any trouble at such times is always someone else's fault.


11. Never drink without a reason; drink because it is raining or because it is not raining, but always be ready to give a reason.


12. Above all, never admit that you are an alcoholic, nor that your life may be unmanageable.


13. As the result of these steps, you can manage to keep drunk, just one day at a time.