Savoring Sobriety

During my drinking days, my life was in freefall. I didn't think before I acted, didn't accept responsibility, didn't show up, didn't behave morally or decently. To rationalize this behavior, I presented myself to myself and others as a free spirit and a hedonist. I really thought I was a pleasure-seeker when in fact I was merely seeking gratification for my addiction to alcohol. I didn't see that my "free-spirited" behaviors--my selfishness, the carelessness of my love life, my lack of commitment, the wild unmanageability of my life--weren't choices, but came directly out of my alcoholism and my desire to evade reality. I had to see myself as a hedonist because I couldn't claim more solid accomplishments; there was in fact very little true pleasure or contentment in my life. How could there be when I didn't have any peace of mind?