I Can Only Go Forward

When I got sober a little over five years ago, I was the forty-year-old mother of three children, ages eighteen, sixteen, and five. The very first thing that I became aware of was the incredible wreckage of my past. My children were clearly a mess. Unfortunately, I was still a mess myself and could be of very little help to them. I felt helpless, stupid, and ineffective every time I tried my hand at mothering. I had lots to learn about being sober, growing up, being responsible and reliable. The first few months of my sobriety we were just a houseful of hopeless misfits, everybody floundering constantly. I was still so disgustingly selfish that it shames me to think of it today.