The Secret Life of a Drunk

With the help of my friend Jack Daniels, I am a dynamic figure. I scale walls, build suspension bridges, write award-winning operas, ride bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and am an outlaw in Kansas. I'm able to single-handedly defend a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of vicious army ants, play blue-grass cello, perform covert operations for the CIA, am scouted by a major-league baseball team, and cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. Fashion critics swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear and I am the subject of numerous documentaries. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiate with a group of terrorists who have seized a bar. I am an abstract artist and a concrete analyst. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I drink, and most of my tabs are paid. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down, and I have spoken to Elvis.