The Waves

The “God thing” kept me away from AA for the first two and a half years of my sobriety. I knew nothing about AA, but thought that it was a cult and a religious organization that insisted on believing in God. And I didn’t believe in God.

I thought that quitting drinking would protect me from the challenges of life. It didn’t, and at two and a half years sober, I reached a point in my life where the only options I could see were either killing myself or drinking. And I couldn’t figure out which was the better solution. A very kind and knowledgeable professional that I was seeing suggested AA. She didn’t tell me I had to, or I must, she simply said, “You might think about checking it out.” I was desperate, so I did.

What I found were rooms of men and women who were facing the challenges of life without drinking, killing someone else, or killing themselves. I heard laughter and gnashing of teeth, and saw tears, love and support. It scared me to pieces, but was also incredibly attractive. I kept coming back.

I also heard a lot about God, which really turned me off. But because I was so desperate, I kept going to meetings anyway. I sat in the back of the room and wouldn’t talk to anyone. And the people in the rooms knew that I was scared, and let me be. They didn’t force hugs on me, instead they would smile and tell me that there was coffee in the back. After a couple of months, I stopped being so scared. I started making coffee for one meeting I was attending. I shopped for, and got, a sponsor. And then I ended up in a closed woman’s group that was working the Steps over an 18-week period.

As we started into the Steps, I was faced front-and-center with the whole God business. As I started the Steps, I realized that I needed to put down my belief or lack of belief while I did some work. This group of women helped me enormously. They patiently listened to me rant about chapter 4 in the Big Book, my questions about faith and spirituality, and how to work this program with our without God. They told me to keep asking questions and figure out my own perception of a Higher Power.

What didn’t help me was the woman who wagged her finger in my face and shouted, “If you don’t believe in God, you’ll drink!” Who did help me was Barbara, a devout catholic. We couldn’t have been more different in our belief structure. She would chuckle and say, “Well, Callie … I don’t know what will work for you. But I know that if you keep asking questions and searching, don’t drink and go to meetings, you’ll figure it out.”

I talked to my sponsor and told her that I never heard anyone talk about being in AA and not believing in God—I felt so alone and like a freak. She listened and then said, “If you’re not hearing it, then YOU need to talk about it. And see what happens.” So I did. And that’s when I started hearing from people with non-traditional Higher Powers or who didn’t believe in God.

Step One was quite straightforward, but Step Two is where I started having trouble. I struggled with the idea of something more powerful than me. I was sent to the ocean and told to try to stop a wave. Oh. Guess that’s pretty powerful. Laura talked about the inability to stop a speeding bus … now that’s a great power. Finally, I settled on that there are many forces in life that are much greater than me, and that I am not God…not even of my own course in life. At first, my Higher Power was a list of things that it wasn’t. I gradually added a couple of components such as the power of the AA group and nature.

We turned to Step Three. How on earth could I “turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understood him” if I only had a vague notion of a Higher Power and didn’t believe in God? I wrestled with it, talked to the women in my group and other people in recovery about it, and couldn’t figure out a way. I talked to my sponsor and we decided that we had hit a true roadblock, but that was not a reason to stop in the Steps. So we progressed.

I wrote out Step Four, and in Step Five admitted to myself and my sponsor the exact nature of my wrongs.

Steps Six and Seven tripped me. There it was again—“the God thing.” I could do Step Six by re-framing it as “were entirely ready to have these defects of character removed.” But Step Seven? There was God again, with a capitol G. My sponsor and I finally came up with, “humbly asked for these shortcomings to be removed,” and she suggested that I didn’t fuss about whom or what was doing the removal.

Steps Eight, Nine and Ten were horrifying, but at least they didn’t have God in them. My Step group and sponsor walked me through these.

Uh oh. Another stumbling block at Step Eleven. With only this vague notion of HP, and If I don’t believe in God, how on earth do I meditate or pray? My sponsor pointed out that the point of meditation is to quiet the mind. What I have found is that quieting my mind occasionally is incredibly healthy. And when I am quiet, the small voice of recovery speaks out quite clearly.

Prayer was a little tougher. I struggled for several weeks over how a non-believer can really pray. I happened to be on a business trip in Las Vegas. I went to a meeting there, and a Vegas dancer provided me with the answer. She talked about that the whole point of her praying is to speak (internally). She didn’t worry about where her prayers were going, who heard them, or even if they were received at all. She described quietly putting her thoughts and worries and prayers out to the universe, and staying out of where they went. I found my answer on how to work Step Eleven in Las Vegas. And this time, what happened in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas—it came home with me and was put into action.

At the end of the Twelve Steps, I looked again at if I could believe in God. And I really couldn’t. But I had dropped my disdain and judgment for people who did. I realized that I believed in other’s belief in their Higher Power, because I saw it working. And I had a tiny inkling of what a Higher Power could look like for me. And I did have a spiritual awakening as the result of working those Steps—a new way of thinking, having an easier path in this world.

Over the years, I’ve worked with many sponsees of all different belief structures. I consider it an honor and a privilege to walk with people as they figure out what their Higher Power is. I never tell them my beliefs unless they ask. And I tell them exactly what was told to me: ask questions. Ask people what their Higher Power looks like. Read spiritual books. Try different churches if that’s appropriate. I have absolutely no idea what the right Higher Power is for each person, but I am happy to bear witness to the process of their search.

I do know this: At some point a drink will be in front of me. My sponsor will be away. My friends won’t be answering their phones. No meetings will be happening. I won’t have my Big Book or other literature with me. If I’m not spiritually connected at that point, I will pick up. And I really don’t want that to happen. The reason I believe this is because it’s happened … more than once. And I didn’t choose to drink.

Over the years, I have worked the Steps several times, and walked the Steps with sponsees. Each time brings out new subtleties of each Step, I learn a little more, and my definition of my Higher Power is refined a little further. And I love watching people develop and refine who and what their Higher Power is. I am astounded at the huge varieties of form that God takes. Kathleen has a very traditional, Christian God who is her Father and protector. Sandy’s God is fairly traditional in the Christian, masculine sense. They have a daily routine. Every morning, Sandy and God join each other on her back deck chaise loungers, and they share coffee and cigarettes while they talk things over. I love it that her God smokes! Katie’s Higher Power is named Beth, and she is a friend who offers wise counsel. Augie is Native American, so his Higher Power is Creator/Spirit and they are much attuned to nature. Hope’s Higher Power is very ethereal and is a free-floating cloud of love. Fitz’s Higher Power never talks. But he stands behind Fitz and lets him know, “I’ve got your back.” Oh, and Fitz’s HP chews tobacco … and is thinking of quitting. Each of these Higher Powers works perfectly for that person, as mine works perfectly for me.

I don’t bristle anymore when I hear people talk about God, unless they are preaching at me. When a meeting closes with the Lord’s Prayer, I don’t have to say it. Instead, I can look at the circle of clasped hands and marvel at the power of a group of people walking towards the same goal. Somewhere along the way I realized that the word “God” is simply shorthand for something that can’t really be described.

A few years ago I was at a meeting where the topic was “What/Who is your Higher Power?” There were all kinds of descriptions, philosophies, and believes discussed. Towards the end, a man spoke up. He had clearly had a rough trip on the way to the rooms of AA. His voice was gravelly and coarse. “Hi, my name is Tom and I’m an alcoholic. Here’s what I know about God: it’s not me. Thanks.” That pretty much summed it up for me.

I am so grateful that the program is big enough for all of us, whether we believe in God or not. I still don’t, but I have been able to incorporate this spiritual way of living into my life in a way that works for me. I don’t want to drink, or if I do, I have tools at my disposal. Life is easier and more peaceful for me on most days. For that I am eternally grateful. So if you’re struggling with the “God thing,” don’t use it as an excuse to leave the program or drink. Ask questions. Talk to people. Find your own path. If I can do it, so can you.