Web Exclusive: Finding Love Again on AA Campus

I was six months short of 40 when I took my last drink. My two children were in junior high and high school, driving me crazy, and I had a marriage that was in the final stages of destruction. I learned in my sobriety that my drinking was the primary cause of the misery in my life although I didn’t think so. I was very angry to learn from the winners that I was not to make any major changes in relationships the first year of my sobriety because I wanted a divorce, and that would solve most of my problems. But I wanted what you had and I listened and followed the advice. My attitude changed and by my first AA birthday I sincerely wanted to save my marriage and make it work. It was not to be, there was way too much baggage of the past that kept being blown back to my side of the street, and I didn’t have a willing partner that would work on her side. I moved out, and a few weeks later, the divorce papers were served. A marriage of almost 23 years was over, due to my drinking.

I was finished with women—they were a source of misery. I decided to stay a bachelor for the rest of my life. I wanted nothing to do with any other women, I would now be able to hunt, fish and do what I wanted, when I wanted, without anyone’s permission. As usual, my intentions were no prediction of my future. I continued with my program and went to a lot of meetings. I joined in with others for coffee or ice cream and occasionally lunch or dinner. I learned how to interact with others without having an agenda. I also started listening closer to people, especially those who shared regularly about their Higher Power. I was attracted to the women who shared their Higher Power. I started thinking that spiritual women were the most beautiful people on earth. After a time, the group after the meeting was getting smaller when we would go out. Then one night it got down to just two of us. The other person was this lady who was very open and honest about her God. The fact that she was pretty and had a nice figure was a plus. I think we just went for coffee after that meeting.

Not long after that night I was in my new apartment doing laundry when the phone rang and it was her. She had an extra ticket for a play and invited me to go with her. I valued her friendship so I accepted. At this point in my life I needed a good laugh and we laughed all through the play and afterward when we went to eat. That was the start of being running buddies that developed into friendship.

I had learned and been told that unless I could determine my part in past relationships, I would be condemned to repeat my mistakes. I learned that drunks have a picker that is broken and when it comes to the opposite sex, we will pick someone who fits our old ideas of what the ideal partner should be. And as we know—the results are nil until we let go absolutely.

The first paragraph in Step Eight in the Twelve and Twelve tells us we are to examine our relationships. The first full paragraph on page 80 speaks volumes about what we are to do. We are to find those flaws which are basic and responsible for the whole pattern of our lives. This is an expanded version of the inventory we took in Step Four. I added this to another Fifth Step and in the Sixth and Seventh Steps asked God to remove the character defects which I used to sabotage and destroy every relationship I had in the past. As I became willing to change my behavior and God removed my defects of character that pertained to relationships, I was able to maintain a healthy relationship and make it grow. I was the beneficiary of the promise at the end of the paragraph: “Thoroughness, we have found, will pay—and pay handsomely.”

I say all of this because in the course of becoming a running buddy and a friend, I was starting to fall in love again. I didn’t want it, I didn’t think it was possible and I knew I was no good in the field of love. Without knowing it, I had surrendered once more. I was learning how to love others unconditionally just as my Higher Power loved me. I was learning how to be a friend, I was keeping promises, I was a sympathetic listener, and I was considering others before I was thinking of myself. I was changing and learning how to be a man and a partner.

Many months went by as we spent more and more time together. I met her family and could see she was from good stock. My family came to visit, and during the course of the visit, we shared a big meal at her folk’s home. I was sitting next to my aunt and I asked her a question, “Does this setting remind you of anything?” Her answer was, “Reminds me of our family back home.” I felt the same thing. It was something I had been missing for a long time. My ex-wife and I had lived so far apart from our families; we missed a lot of holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. I felt very at home in my new lady friend’s family. I was accepted and I felt loved.

No discussion of dating in sobriety would be complete unless it included intimacy. Being intimate is not about sex. I learned that intimacy is sharing from the heart without being judged. It is based on trust. For many years I confused intimacy with sex. Sex is biology and hormones with a lot of emotional baggage. My new lady friend and I had progressed over a period of months from shaking hands and a hug at the end of the evening to a kiss on the cheek. Finally one night we shared a real kiss and it was both electric and frightening. My first thought was, “My God, what have I done? I have ruined everything now.” Over the next few weeks we both did something different—we talked about our feelings concerning the first kiss and the hormones we had brought back to life. We knew the logical conclusion but were afraid sex would ruin a good friendship. We decided to pray about it and ask our Higher Power to guide us in this new and unfamiliar territory. We followed his path and we haven’t looked back.

What I learned about my part in old relationships I decided to do differently in my new life in recovery. I let God choose and it has worked out extremely well. I also learned and adopted a new set of beliefs.

1. If I can’t love myself, I am incapable of loving another. The program of recovery has allowed me to get to know me and to love myself.

2. Love God and follow his plan for me. I am not always certain of the next right thing to do, but I always know the wrong thing to do so I do not practice my old behavior.

3. Love others as I would love myself.

The result has been 14 years in a happy marriage and more than 20 years of sobriety. We respect and cherish each other, we have learned how to resolve conflicts, and by working our programs, we continue to take inventory and make amends as needed. We have been through times of unemployment, health issues, burying both of our fathers and life situations in general. We let God be in charge and things work out.

We went into this relationship knowing that when boy meets girl on AA turf, the results are not always good. After all, we are people who normally would not mix. We also have to remember that as recovering alcoholics, we bring a lot of baggage into a relationship, and a lot of us are not a real catch. We have issues! But experience has taught us that if we put God in charge and practice these principles in all our affairs, all things are possible. Thanks be to God.