Web Exclusive: Senior Trip
Today I truly believe in miracles. I still don’t understand everything that happens, and sometimes I don’t think everything is fair, but I’m coming to realize that’s OK. With over two years clean, one day at a time, I know I can’t change the world. I’ve learned to accept the things I cannot change—and to not give up on the things I can.
Today, this very moment, I have no desire to drink. It’s a great feeling. I’m not sure when I began to control my thoughts and not react on my anger, but I like it. I like waking up remembering what I did and who I did the night before. Not having to worry about friends calling and filling me in on the embarrassing moments that I somehow forgot. Blackouts were a constant part of my drinking career. I started drinking when I was 14 and loved the feeling from the very start. I agreed to go to my first outpatient program when I was 18 due to a drunken episode that almost cost me my life.
It was June 2005, and I was in Ocean City, Md., for my Senior Week. Talk about a week of drunken memories. The last day of my vacation I decided I was going to remain in Ocean City. I thought it would be the whole summer, but God had other plans for me. I stayed with a friend of mine and we got plastered. The last thing I remember was standing up from the barstool, and grabbing onto my friend. Hours later I woke up in a hospital unable to move. I had just fallen four stories off of a balcony and landed onto concrete, cracking a brick with my head. I couldn’t believe it. What in the world happened to me? I felt like there was a hole in my head and heart. My body ached more than ever before, I couldn’t move an inch and I was so dizzy. Remarkably I didn’t break a bone, nor have but one scratch on my body. I am a miracle. I thank God all the time for saving me. It’s been more than four years since I fell. I have no flashbacks or memory of what happened that night.
My 17-year-old sister will go to her Senior Week in June. She has unfortunately followed in some of my footsteps. I know I can’t stop her from making her own choices but I pray that she makes better ones than me. It’s hard to see someone I love so much, cause so much pain to themselves. I now see how my mother felt when dealing with me. She constantly told me I would never know the feeling until I have a child of my own. I now have a beautiful 11-month-old baby girl. She is such an amazing little person. Being a mother has so many rewards and love. She has been blessed with a sober mother and clean father. The thought of seeing my child go through recovery would be hard, but the thought of seeing her go through addiction would be heartbreaking and breathtaking.
Today I am so blessed. My father is a recovering addict. I am so proud to say he celebrated one year Oct. 10, 2008. The program is a part of my family. My father, my boyfriend, my daughter and I will go on our third AA convention next year. It will be my daughters second!! Being sober and staying sober has made my life a life worth living. I am proud of the person I have become. And I have no regrets, as I am the person I am today because of the experiences I have had before.