Web Exclusive: Real Friends

How often have you heard a newcomer share at a meeting that, since he joined AA, most of his old friends stopped coming around and that he thought that he was losing them? Sometimes this may be distressful and may cause a person to question whether the sacrifice is worth it.

Sometimes the word “friend” is misunderstood. We often refer to the people we are associated with as friends. Some will say that you can count on one hand, the true friends you will have in a lifetime. So where do these associates/acquaintances come in?

I played golf for about 35 years and had many so called “golfing friends.” but when the round of golf was over, we put our clubs in the car and went our separate ways. Fishing was the same. When we finished fishing, we put our rod and tackle box in the car and went home.

With these acquaintances, the common denominator was the golf or the fishing. That’s what bound us to each other. I quit playing golf about five years ago and when the common denominator was gone, I seldom saw my old golfing friends except in passing where we exchange pleasantries and  again, are on our ways.

Most of the friends I had before I was sober had only one thing in common with me and that was the drinking. Unlike the golf and the fishing, we could drink 24 hours a day if we wanted to. We didn’t need a boat or even a set of clubs to associate with each other. A bottle was all that was necessary, and without it we had very little in common. When the common denominator was gone, trying to hang out with them became awkward for them and for me. I had to accept that reality and let them be. If we have anything else in common we will know it and share that association with each other, but that was seldom the case except for family members or work associates.

We, in A.A. are fortunate indeed, for we have a common denominator that has been likened to survivors of a sinking ship, in a life boat. We associate at such a deep and intimate level that we develop true friendships that the average person seldom is exposed to. Understanding this can be a great comfort to that new member who has to be prepared to move on.