Purpose and Meaning

I believe that I was probably born an alcoholic. Alcoholism runs rampant in my family; my grandfather died of the disease and my mother is an alcoholic who is in recovery. I grew up watching all of my family drink, party and enjoy their drinking. The earliest memory I have is “I’m different than everyone else, and it’s my fault.” I was very fearful of people, places and things. I never felt as if I fit in. I spent a lot of time as a child isolated and thinking. I recall thinking that alcohol somehow must be the missing piece to why I was so afraid all the time. My family members who drank didn't seem to have any trouble with socializing, going to school, making friends etc. We had a wet-bar in my home growing up my father would come home from work, say “I’ve had a long day,” and make himself a mixed drink. I would be drawn to the clank of the ice in his cup, the pouring of the alcohol and soda and his demeanor after the first drink. I took my first drink at the age of eight. I told myself “It’s been a long day.” I went to the wet bar made myself the same drink my father liked, hid in my room and took my first drink. Immediately I knew alcohol was my solution to all of my fears and insecurities. I went and had another.