More Than Enough
This morning I was awakened by a dream of embarrassment and fear, and it got me to thinking about self-respect and faith, as well as their opposites, and what life in the Twelve Steps has meant for me.
Before AA I had very little personal promise or much hope of ever changing what I thought was an ongoing spiral into what I called “badland.” I was convinced that I was inherently worthless. I had so often disappointed my loved ones and myself that I felt I wasn’t really worth having any kind of a loving God. Now I know that isn’t true.
Eventually through the program, I was able to rise and shine and get ahold of my self-respect. I can now be grateful to a loving God that what I had was just a bad dream left over from my old life. He thankfully has replaced that with a new vision. It’s nice to hold your head up after you haven’t for a long time.
Today little things are such a blessing: Throwing on fresh clothes, walking out my door, saying a quick hi to the neighbors, enjoying a cup of coffee. Just appreciating the outdoors and fresh air is really more than enough.
The relief of not having to reach for a drink to keep the bogeyman away, letting go of the need to be powerful to cover up all my insecurities—it’s all priceless. That old way of doing things is finally over. I am so thankful that the God of my understanding has the ball now. My job is to try not to take it back.
After 31 years, I think I’m finally getting the hang of this thing.