A Double life

I got sober in January of 1986, and two years later I met and married my best friend in AA. We recently celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. 



I was very active in AA for well over 20 years. Then, just two months before I was about to have 30 years of sobriety, I drank. Now, I’d like to tell you I drank because my mom was diagnosed with cancer and had weeks to live and I didn’t know how to deal with that. But we all know that we set ourselves up to take that first drink long before we actually physically take it. This is my story of how, by the grace of God, I got a second chance.



You’re probably saying to yourself…Well, what happened? First, I stopped going to meetings.



In 2005, we moved to Arizona from California to be closer to my dad, who died in 2009 with more than 20 years of sobriety. The move to Arizona was difficult. I didn’t like the way meetings were run. There were no birthday celebrations like we had in California. I couldn’t find a sponsor I fit with in our new town. I picked each meeting apart that I attended, and soon I wasn’t going to any of them. My husband, Mike—who, by the way, still regularly goes to AA and has been sober for 38 years—would constantly invite me to go to meetings with him, but I was quick to decline. He’d say, “Don’t worry. If you go back out and drink again, you will magically find lots of time for meetings.” 



I would just laugh. I didn’t care about going to meetings in Arizona because I made frequent trips to California to spend time with my longtime AA friends. I stayed with my sponsor, who lovingly suggested many times that I get grounded in my AA program in Arizona. But I continued to do things “my way.” I thought I could stay sober through my husband Mike.



Then in 2014, my loving sponsor, Glenda, with 34 years of sobriety, died of cancer. I was devastated. Who could I call? Sure, I had my friends from California but that’s not the same as a sponsor. So, it’s pretty simple. I wasn’t going to meetings; I didn’t have a sponsor; my AA connections were in California; and I made my husband my Higher Power. I had really set myself up.



Then things got tough. In November of 2015, my mom was diagnosed with stage-4 cancer. She had weeks to live. Between January and March, I lost my mom and three uncles, all to cancer. And my dog died in July. All I could see was my pain. I had lost sight of God and I had no support system in AA. Going to a meeting or talking to my husband or even calling my sober girlfriends in AA didn’t even cross my mind. I wanted to hurt myself and I knew the simplest way to do that was to drink. And that’s what I did. 



Let me be very clear. I did not drink because I thought that maybe I wasn’t an alcoholic any longer after all those years sober. No, I knew that once alcohol hit my lips it was going to go badly. This is important. I truly believed, when I took that first drink after so long, that when I was done drinking this time, I’d be able to simply turn my “AA head” back on. I would go to meetings again and get sober. In fact, I told myself, maybe I wouldn’t even tell anyone I’d gone back out. I would drink secretly for a while to numb the pain and then get sober again. 



Well, that little plan didn’t work. What I didn’t realize is that alcoholism, as the Big Book says, gets worse over time, not better. The craving hit me like never before. I tried to turn my AA head back on and stop drinking, but I couldn’t. I was now drinking in the morning and all day long. I was hiding my bottles, driving drunk every single day and hiding it from everyone, including my sober husband. He worked a day schedule and I worked a night schedule. 



Mike soon began to suspect. Three times he confronted me and asked if I were drinking. I lied to his face. He thought I was acting strangely, but I was able to convince him my behavior was due to stress from so many loved ones dying. I was living a double life based on lies.



Let me say that in my experience, there is nothing more insane than driving around drinking and reciting Chapter Five from memory, while throwing little empty bottles of vodka out the window. I often think of how many times I stood in front of my classes (I teach aerobics) dying on the inside and no one knew. I looked OK on the outside. I smiled and laughed in public and then I got into my car to drink and drive while crying and yelling at God to help me.



The same night my second grandchild was born, I was pulled over for extreme DUI. I had to call my sober husband (ironically a retired deputy sheriff) to pick me up because I’d been arrested. I will never forget the look on Mike’s face as he talked to the arresting officer. He and I got in the car and we didn’t say much, as I had a plane to catch to North Carolina, where I was going to take care of my granddaughter. With my passport (they shred your driver’s license when you are arrested for DUI), I was able to make my flight and spent the next 10 days fully intent on staying sober. I called each of my kids, all fully grown, and told them that I was drinking. I went to an AA meeting in North Carolina every day for 10 days. 



While I was there, I spent time finding a lawyer for my DUI, as my case would eventually go to a six-person jury trial. In the end, I was convicted. The DUI ended up costing nearly $20,000 to pay for lawyers, experts, fines, classes, traffic school and an Interlock device on my car. To go from being sober for nearly 30 years to sitting in a courtroom eight hours a day for almost three days with six jurors deciding my fate was mind-blowing. 



I drank for another six months before I was finally able to get sober. But today, luckily I am once again a proud, sober woman of AA. I’m of service whenever possible. I attend five AA meetings a week. I have an amazing sponsor, Julie, who has helped me complete my Steps again. I sponsor women now and take them through the Steps. Most importantly, I have a relationship with God today. 



Yes, I drank after 29 years of sobriety. I endangered many lives, including my own. I’m certainly not proud of that. I know how lucky I am to have made it back to AA. My ego could’ve very well ended my life. I’m beyond grateful to my husband, my sponsor and my God. They loved me and continue to love me unconditionally as I try to love myself again. 



I pray if you are reading this that you know one thing: Relapse does not have to be part of your story. It’s so much easier to stay than it is to try and come back.