Sweet Number 20
I’ve got 20 years in the program and I am still surprised that AA works, and that it even works for me. If I knew me now, back when I was getting sober, I ‘d stay as far away as I could. I say the words Higher Power and Big Book as though I’m just saying salt and pepper. I was the guy who would “fall asleep” at the party. I’d puke, then drink. And I always fell asleep with my head elevated because I thought it would help keep my room from spinning.
By AA standards, I started drinking later in life, at 13. It wasn’t until a few years later that I became a daily drinker. I realized that I was not going to be the star baseball player I thought I was going to be. Then I fell in with people that drank on the weekends, on the days before the weekend, then just each day. I found myself at an outpatient treatment when I was 16, which was the first time I was around AA.
I decided I couldn’t identify with the sober alcoholics I met, so I kept drinking. Somehow I made it through high school. Drinking gave me a purpose and something I could hold on to. I used drugs and would try to switch and mix. Drinking started to get me into trouble—citations for drinking in public or having fake ID. My mother would spend money to expunge my records. While this was happening, my friends began to put distance
between themselves and me. I was losing weight and getting messed up all the time. I began to get paranoid and believed the radio was talking to me. Eventually, I got a little too honest about my thoughts and found myself committed to a state hospital in upstate New York in the winter. I was scared and didn’t even know it, afraid to even tell the hospital staff my name.
I revisited and then stepped away from AA. Once again, I thought I was not one of “those” people. I started to drink again and was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Medications do not work that well mixed with alcohol, as I found out. I had been living with my father, but now I moved again, to live with my mother. My drinking brought me back to a psych ward only nine months after the first one. This was in December of 2000. Family was close by after I left the hospital to go to rehab, this time inpatient. My family told me this was the last stop. In classic form, I was resentful at them for trying to limit my life to a rehab and sobriety. Yet I have been sober since January 9, 2021.
To say I was defiant would be a kind way to describe my attitude. But there was something a little different this time because my drinking had consequences, which is how at the time I viewed rehab. This time there was not as much emphasis on my part on having a bad week, bad school, bad job, the wrong girl, a controlling family. I was sober just enough to see that at age 19, drinking might have been why my life was totally unsuccessful and I why I felt so alone.
I don’t remember what my last drink was, and I only know my sobriety date because my family let me know when I checked into rehab. I also don’t remember my first meeting specifically since I’ve been sober. What I do remember this time, early on, is that ‘those’ people did some of the same stuff I had done, and on them it didn’t sound so terrible. They
also smiled, which was foreign to me, since I was more the silent and resentful type. I remember hearing: go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the Steps, pray, talk to another drunk. I followed orders after rehab and went to a halfway house. I was not allowed at my family’s home. I was given a bicycle and some rent money up front to get me started. I was required to go to meetings, get a job, and make my bed. Motivated by fear, I was able to do all three. Because drinking no longer meant security. I began to believe that if I drank again, I would be back in the hospital or, worse, drinking miserably for a long time, or simply and violently dead.
My first sponsor was kind enough to let me into his house despite some of the things I told him. We went through the Big Book and worked the Steps, I am so grateful for his kindness and inclusiveness. After a few years, I got a job, car, girlfriend, and my own apartment. I got a new sponsor who I worked with through the next ten years. Regardless of what was happening in my life, he always was the hand of AA to me. In good choices or poor ones, I am in his debt.
I have had the opportunity to move, work, go to conventions and travel. To be with my family and be dependable. To make financial amends and to be able to look people in the eyes. I am even able to be at peace alone. Today I believe in that Power and it does want me to stay sober. I even found a beautiful and caring wife who I am excited to grow with.
In the past few years my love and respect for AA has grown. I have seen groups come and go. I have been able to work with other men getting and staying sober. Going through Steps and Traditions, and soon Concepts. I participate in my home group and fellowship. These experiences have been my gut check proof in the existence of a Higher Power, not only in my life, but in life. I can absolutely relate to the idea of “that endless procession of
sots,” which was how I felt about life before I got sober. Today, I can believe that “most good ideas are simple.” I am not responsible for making AA perfect or to promote it. I am simply thrilled to be a member amongst members and to attempt to share with others what I have been given.
