The need to identify
I got sober in November of 2015. The following April I started on my Fourth Step. It seemed simple enough, yet when summer came I hit a brick wall. Not just in my writing or recovery, but in life as well. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I began to seek answers about how I felt. That summer I came out as transgender. I identify as non-binary, transgender and pansexual.
I’m sure some of you are wondering what those words mean. The easiest way for me to explain what transgender means is this: You don’t identify with the gender assigned to you at birth. The “binary” part of non-binary refers to the male/female, man/woman binary society has established. I do not identify as a male or a female, nor do I identify as a man or woman. Therefore, I am non-binary. Lastly, pansexual differs from bisexual because it’s all encompassing. It means I love everyone regardless of gender or sexual identity. This is a lot to take in, I’m sure.
Right away, when I got sober it was difficult to identify with other alcoholics in the AA rooms. In my area, there are very few LGBTQ+ meetings. If I really wanted to attend a meeting where I could truly relate, I’d have to drive to a nearby big city.
Also, I look like a man. I don’t want to, but that’s how I appear to others. People in my AA meetings would use he/him to identify me or ask me about men’s meetings. Sometimes I corrected people, and sometimes I didn’t. I still have trouble with that. I never know if it’s OK or not to correct others. I deserve to speak up for myself, but it’s hard. Sometimes I cop a resentment against someone because they should know by now how I wish to present and identify.
Luckily, toward the end of my second year I found another alcoholic who identified as I did. We would drive to the city together for an LGBTQ+ AA meeting. We got hooked up with some of the AAs there and began to develop a revitalizing network of support. I now have a new AA sponsor, a woman. The criteria I used was this: They needed to maintain a strong spirituality, a good AA program and either be a woman or a member of the AA LGBTQ+ community.
There are four Traditions that I think can help us move forward as a Fellowship: One) Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity; Three) The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking; Four) Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole; and Five) Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
It’s hard helping people understand all this. That will probably always be true. But I continue to take small steps.
