Shackled By This Disease

The transformation brought about by one alcoholic helping another is truly without parallel. As a direct result of the insanity of my disease, I am approaching four years of incarceration. Yet because of the spiritual principles of the 12 Steps and the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am freer in my spirit and thinking than I have ever been. When I was arrested coming out of a country pharmacy dirty, disheveled, and desperate for relief from my terminally restless nerves, I was a caricature of “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.” Any sane man in my shoes would have been home, waiting for his pregnant wife to get off work. But my disease robbed me of my sanity and the ability to experience my wife, child and all the gifts God has given me. Little by little, my obsession corroded my identity, integrity, and my dreams. I had always hoped to be a father, yet here I was, handcuffed in the middle of the night, 100 miles from my family. My first weeks drying out in that dungeon of a regional jail were harrowing. While the physical withdrawal process was horrible, the anxiety and shame were overwhelming. The self-loathing and despair seemed unrelenting. I recall staring through watery eyes at the cold cinder block wall, shuddering and utterly broken, unable to stand the incessant thoughts that I had failed my wife, daughter, and myself. The clear and unyielding truth that I had given all to my disease overwhelmed me and beneath that weight, I hit my bottom. Defenseless against the truth that everything good in me was dying, I prayed to God for deliverance.