Just Don’t Drink

As I blundered down the road of my alcoholism I never had a thought that drinking could be my problem.  It never occurred to me that it was abnormal to have blackouts or to be the last man standing at the bar after a couple of days of drinking.  Didn’t everyone have blackouts? Besides, I had shown I could quit when I stopped for ninety days in 1976 (with the help of Antabuse) and nothing had changed.  Life was still unfair and folks were picking on me.  I was to continue drinking for four more years after that ninety day experiment.  When the end came I was broken mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  I had been dry again for about four months due to medical issues.  I kept having seizure episodes during the days and nights.  The nights were the worst, waking up shaking and terrified.  My wife would have to hold me like a baby to calm those terrors.  All day and night I would be thinking about drinking, my past drunks and planning new ones that could not happen because of the meds I was on.  So the stress of thinking about and wanting to drink just added to the demoralization I was feeling.  Mentally I just wanted to die but my body refused.