Burning Desire to Share
I Just finished reading an article in this Mays Grapevine by a man who is blind.Blindness scares me. I love to read and having that encroached upon by blindness is enough to make me cringe in horror. Yet this man was using his blindness to be of service to other alcoholics with special needs.That is the epitomy of courage.This man has Bowling Balls! I too am disabled.But I find courage and inspiration in people like the author of this months Grapevine article.It is easy to think that"nobody knows the trouble I seen".However,there are people among us that embarrass me for complaining because their burdens make mine look small.Most of all, they inspire me to go out there and help others. Whether people are disabled or not,we all have the "disability" of alcoholism. We all need help with that because it is a huge obstacle to living our lives in freedom.All of us need help to embrace dignity and honor.Thank God we have Alcoholics Anonymous to help us stand tall.In the last analysis, AA is what we make it.So it is important to give back what God and AA have given us.
You couldn't said it better
I have severe ME.am housebound and virtual bedbound .Havent been able to go to a meeting for a long time.
also have difficulties with online meetings.[because of my disabilty].feeling very lonely/alone and restless and discontent today.only able to write very short amounts at a time.thanks for this forum
giving me this space to share.
Keep fighting the good fight.
I hope we can become friends and communicate somehow. Is the phone easier for you?
no using the phone is difficult for me.but also i live in the u.k.am i right in assuming you live in the u.s.?
Hey pick up the phone and call someone over and get everyone to go where you live and have a meeting. Disability or no disability you can still communicate so call someone. I was bed bound for 2 weeks and I forced my body to get up and make a call. I could barely hold my body on 2 feet, I forced myself to walk and make a call. Even though I suffered excruciating pain for many months I did alright. I forced myself to go to work because I had to make money to live. Then I almost broke my foot which I was off for a week of work. And again This did not slow me down. I suffer now with only arthritis, however pain is something I've come to accept because there's nothing that will cure it. I live a happy life, and it's served me well to know nothing will stop me unless death from doing what I want in life and go to meetings. Stop the poor me's it is possible to still get meetings
Thank you for the response.
about using the telephone - i can have difficulty talking and i have severe cognitive problems which means holding an 'immediate' conversation is difficult,almost impossible at times.
I am not writing about my disability for sympathy.
i really hope I'm not feeling the 'poor me's'.
I really like 'thank god we have aa to help us stand tall'
from special needs .above.thank you for that.
Your welcome Alys, I know that at times our physical problems are difficult. But if we can pick up a bottle, we can pick up the phone. Don't forget HALT, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I know if I'm lonely, I know where to go, I can make a call, invite someone over. AA has never let me down, it would only be me to let myself down. God bless you, there's a reason everyone is different, as much there's a reason there are people with the same problems. May you have strength not just physically but as well spiritually, mind, and heart.
hey brother, you and I have similar difficulties.I am not trying to compare but to say I too want to go to a meeting and find it harder than I want it to be. But we have a higher power. And each of us is a reflection of God.I believe when we reach out to another alcoholic we are manifesting that reflection of God within each of us.Be strengthened by the glory of God working through you when you aid another person who is sinking beneath the overwhelming waves of a harsh and tumultuous sea. Just by making a phone call or leaving a message as you did you are doing Gods work. You elevate yourself into a rarified atmosphere that so few of us ever experience.God bless you for showing us all the way we need to reach out.
Glad you reached out. Good to share by any means. I too am restless. I haven't slept for days. I am 8 months sober and working hard on staying positive while I clean up the mess I made at the end of drinking. Stressed out bit I am not drinking.
Its very normal to be restless, irritable discontented after we put the booze down.
Have you all been working the 12 steps? For me working the 12 steps removed the obsession and also helped me overcome the resltessness, irritability and discontentedness.
Restless is a typical withdrawal symptom. Drinking will not solve the restlessness but, increase the problems. As reported by the WHO recently, alcohol kills one person every ten seconds. Trust in the process of recovery. To state the obvious, you are not alone. Next time you are at a meeting look around and appreciate your new family. Every person in the room who introduces themselves as an alcohol can identify with what you are going through and can help. We aren't in the rooms for playing too much badminton. You proved you can stay sober for one day, well that's all we get in AA one day, not two three or more.
I wrote a grapevine article about this and not fitting in. You always read about how people finally felt like they finally belonged at AA after years of not fitting in. But maybe some of us are just a bit more loners than others, AA or not! Sometimes I just don't want to chatter. BUT, and it is a big but, when I do reach out and have the guts to join a group to talk afterward, they almost always open the circle to let me in. Like in life, I need to take responsibility to go after what I want. And those few times where I am not welcomed into the circle, well then, it may be them not me. Or they may just not like my attitude (not big on complaining or gossip). Ageism exists, no doubt (I am 53) and feel invisible sometimes to the world, but show them your wisdom and gentleness that our age brings and your empathy that coming from rock bottom gives us. Hope this helps.
I was wondering if the misprint on page 234 third and second last line repeats was an original misprint in the first addition or if it's a new misprint?
I have been finding it real easy to not make my meetings or talk to my sponser I mean life is good no real issues and I am so busy at work and at home with my wife and kids and I know I am making excuses I guess I just need to motivate myself
Don't let what AA gave you take you away from AA.
When I came to AA looking for help after awful experiences with alcohol I entered rooms full of people who were willing to share their experience, strength and hope to help me. I remain so grateful that there was a room with tables, chairs, AA literature, coffee and snacks. But most of all I am grateful that those chairs were full. Some attendees had many years of sobriety and full happy lives and yet they took time out of their busy lives to share the gift with me.
There are lots of reasons to go to meetings but one big one for me is to give back what was so freely given to me in AA. Though I can't make as many meetings as I'd like, I always hold a service commitment in my home group to make sure that there is a place where the suffering alcoholic can find help.
Keep coming back.
If you read and listen to those who slip you'll find a common thread: they stopped going to meetings and/or calling their sponsors. But if you ask them what else they were doing for sobriety you will find that in nearly every case they were doing nothing but going to meetings and depending on a sponsor. In my forty-two years of uninterrupted membership in AA I have never met a single slipper who was using the twelve steps as his/her program of recovery, especially steps ten and eleven.
I have to wonder at the mind set of those who have no trouble remembering to call another alcoholic at a certain time every day and being at a certain meeting every evening yet can't remember to pray in the morning and take an inventory at night.
You need not look any further than the post below of someone who relapsed after 27 years to get the motivation to get back close to the program: every person I have heard the story of who has gone back out has described a process of moving away from meetings, their sponsor, the fellowship. Read Dr. Bob's nightmare, last page, where he lists the four reasons he stayed active in AA. The people I know with 40, 50, 60 years of sobriety stick around lest they forget the debt they owe to those who came before, as well as their need for a little more insurance against taking the first drink. "This too shall pass" means both the good and the bad, and I personally want the "hand of AA" at my back it does.
Some will say that sobriety is not easy. True, it is not
easy to get here. But I am convinced that staying here ought
to be easy. I was told not to expect more out of life than there is in it. Forget about all the rules that you hear from today's prideful and arrogant A.A. member; sponsor or guru or whatever they call themselves.
An A.A. friend was getting ready to go to his daughter's
first birthday party. His "Sponsor" guilted him into going
on a twelve step call. His sponsor told him his daughter
would have more birthdays, but this prospect may not get
another chance at recovery.
Enjoy this life God has given us through A.A. Take
care of the wife and those kids. If you live long enough,
you can retire and "work" A.A. full time (like me). ANONYMOUS
I celebrated 27 years of sobriety this January; however, in the past month I started drinking wine. It is the same old story of having a small glass and quickly progressing to more. It is also the same story in that I stopped going to meetings and did not have a sponsor. As I write this it is so apparent to me that alcoholism does not change;and, I am no different than anyone else. There are "reasons" for starting to drink wine in particular, but none that substantiate anything! I could use some support and I thank you.
I celebrated 21 years in November, and I know I am not 'bullet-proof'...but it always helps to hear actual experience. I am sorry for your loss of sobriety, and I thank and commend you for honestly sharing with us. HP, meetings, serving, and sponsors are so much a part of my recovery...and reinforced when I hear you share. Thank you.
A Native American named Don C has an excellent story which I have heard twice. He must have used the word alcohol over a hundred times in his talk. I follow his lead. It isn't important what the alcohol is mixed with, bottled with or labeled as. I am an alcoholic. My problem is with alcohol. My alcoholism is ugly. I want it to sound as ugly as it is. If I start talking to myself about a nice chablis or a snifter of Courvoisier I'm headed in the wrong direction. No good could come of it so why would I want to?
Congratulations on 27 years. I have recently relapsed as well :/ I did not have 27 years of sobriety. heck im only 28 but I have a 10 month old daughter and I can't do this to her I can't believe I rationalized this. there isn't any excuse and I'm scared to turn to my family or anyone because I know better and they dont want to hear this crap again. I gotta pick myself up this time and most of all I'm just scared of failing again.
Dear AA Friend:
I understand well what you are going through. I am a sponsor for someone who is 28 also. He is having a very hard time. I know he needs help and really wants to stay sober. Go to those who love you and tell them you need their help, their prayers, and their love. Ask them to be with you. I hope you have a sponsor and are going to meetings. Tonight I will pray for you.
man I sure hate to hear that I myself have been there I have never acquired that many days in a row but am tring after 27 years you know what you need to do find a sponser make a meeting asap and remember guilt is a killer a long with self pitty and not to mention our ever so important ego its time to be humble and once again admit defeat I will pray for you my friend
I'm not sure how this forum works but I'm looking for a good group to go to while I'm in Corpus Christi next week.
I recently moved back to the town I grew up in. It took me two months before I began to go to meetings. I have been in AA since 1998, and it felt good to be going to a meeting. However, my first meeting I experienced a quick 13 step, which I was able to deal with and let go. My second meeting I experienced another 13 step, which got me a slap on the ass and a possible invite for more activities outside of AA. I didn't think much of it so, again, I was able to let it go. Then my third meeting did me in. I went to this meeting and felt worse coming out than going in. The chairperson hogged all the literature that was needed to be read, only delegating the twelve traditions, and how it works. The chairperson also took role call to make sure everyone was there. Correct me if I am wrong, however, I believe to have someone else call your name to make sure you are there is a breach of anonymity. If I had to put my name on a list and hear my name along with others' called out to respond with 'here', I think I would never show up. After the meeting, I went for coffee alone because no one had welcomed me or made me feel welcomed. Even the chairperson sat at his table prior the meeting sitting there in silence without even a hello or attempt to talk to anyone, only waited until the time to start the meeting and nothing more. While I was at the coffee shop I happened to see everyone there from the meeting I just left. Again, I was not invited to join them, so I sat alone to drink my coffee. I had thoughts of using and I had to talk with my Higher Power to keep me clean and sober. So, I have three meetings in this town under my belt, I have had three bad experiences at three meetings, and I am afraid to go to another meeting because I do not want to be on a role call list and I don't want to do any 13 stepping. Because I am back in a town where I grew up in, I need to find a new sponsor and because I am afraid to go to a meeting I am denying myself my rite to a sponsor. I want to go to a meeting, I want to have a home group, and I want to have a sponsor. What I don't want is to do 13 steps or to hear my name read out on a role call list or to hear the chair read all the placards and necessary readings for a meeting to take place. At the last meeting I was at it was mentioned to me to remember the message. The messages I heard were to believe in a higher power and your higher power will keep you sober; I heard that it does get easier; I heard about great courage; and I heard about gratitude. All of which are good messages. However, I have not been able to let go of the concept of role call breaking my anonymity. And I am afraid to go to another meeting due to three meetings and three experiences. I am reading my Big Book and GrapeVine Magazines and I hope that when I build up my nerve I will be able to get to a meeting again, a meeting that I can feel safe at and comfortable at. God Willing.
I've attended meetings in five states and three countries outside the US. Yes, I have seen thirteenth stepping, by both genders, but not as blatant as you report.
Since when do we hide our identities from other alcoholics? Are you looking for anonymity or secrecy? Tradition Eleven (not Twelve) states we are anonymous at the level of press, radio and films. You might want to read what Dr Bob said about anonymity on page 264, "Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers."
I have been to meetings all over the states the past 27 years including AA business meetings at the group, district and area levels and have NEVER seen a group take a roll call. Not sure what was going on with that but it seems quite unusual.
Having moved several times during my years in AA, I found that it is always takes a while for me to find my way in a new town. I always managed to eventually find a group that worked for me. It helps if I look for ways I can be of service at a meeting. Can I help set up, clean up or put away chairs & tables? At the end of a meeting, my group asks for volunteers to help clean up. I can guarantee you will not be ignored if you raise your hand.
We also ask for newcomers or visitors to identify themselves so that we can get to know them better. Again, you will not be ignored during or after the meeting and will probably be asked to share.
Thankfully, there are plenty of groups and meetings all with different formats and personalities.
It sounds like you need thick skin and possibly a big stick to join their group.
Since we aren't required to display ID at meetings we can use any name we choose. I'd tell them my name is Tradition Twelve and please add it to the roll call so the chair will always ask "Is Tradition Twelve here?"
I think it needs to be made perfectly clear that you are not looking for any dates or sexual encounters and any hands on you will result in scream, sirens and mace.
It sounds like your town needs a meeting where others can feel safe and comfortable and there is no one better than you to start one. GSO will be happy to send you a kit to do just that.
Have you read the stories of the pioneers in the Big Book?
"Go start AA in Detroit."
"Go start AA in Chicago."
"Go start AA in Canada and here's 500 letters asking for help."
How did AA grow to over 64,000 groups in the US and Canada alone? By members who valued AA enough to find a coffee pot and a place to plug it in.
Please be patient with us. Seek some other meetings. I
am fortunate to have dozens of meetings available. Although
I feel that all A.A. meetings ought to be alike, that is not
reality. It takes me it seems like forever to make a new
friend. I don't do the "coffee after the meeting" meeting.
I believe the message ought to be carried by the group
within the context of the meeting. One or two members
carrying their own message is limiting, and I feel can
I have never been to an A.A. meeting where the roll
has been called. But I believe it, as I have been to
and heard about some strange meetings. Long ago we would
call the roll at our district meeting but that was
different. That no longer is done. Most new GSRs don't
return anyway, when they see what a waste of time the
GSR meeting is.
Thirteenth steeping has always been a problem in A.A.
beginning with our founder. The issue is being addressed
on a feeble basis in my area. It seems that once we get
sober some of our other instincts come alive. And it is
not only the men who are predators.
Please search for other meetings where you can feel
safe and comfortable. Maybe in future years you can be
instrumental in returning A.A. to its original successful
form. The new suffering alcoholic approaching us deserves
nothing less. ANONYMOUS
I have moved a few times in sobriety and found meetings like that while traveling across country and around court ordered populations.
I find the answers I need in asking for the Higher Power's guidance to where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do. No matter how gnarly a meeting is, there is usually someone to pray for and sometimes someone who could do with an encouraging word. Sometimes when I am feeling that I need something, what I need to do is to give back something.
As to finding a sponsor, I always ask to be guided to the right meetings and right person and then relax cause HP is in charge and isn't going to drop me as long as I keep doing the step work.
Gosh, I just wanted to say I hear you & will pray for you. 2 1/2 yrs sober me here & today's a crappy day for me, but decided to go online after several mths not & whew...I feel better already. So, I personally always have tools to use to get me OUT of my funky days, like online or I keep literature close by, like the Grapevine or As Bill see's It. One can always call the local AA & get #'s of some woman to call. Maybe they can bring a meeting to you?? We do that for some of our older/ disabled members, but maybe if it's not easy to get another job right now maybe they can help you. Just ask & good luck & one HOUR at a time if you must.Go girl....you can do it!!!
I just found out my boyfriend of a year and a half has been relapsing. I'm completely devastated and feeling very alone.. I keep thinking that it is my fault but I know that I was powerless over his actions. I'm breaking up with him today. I really need the support of the fellowship but can't get to a meeting until later tonight. I'm trying hard to keep my head up and know that this is God's will. I don't have much to say I just felt the need to share
It took me 3 years to get a year. I just couldn't believe it was over. I only drank 5 years from 25 till 30. I have a long history of the problem in my family. The stuff scared me greatly. We love you because you tried to help but..... He may need a new Spons. Dec. 15, 2014 I'll have 40 years sober. Keep the Faith in yourself.
Joe C. St. Pete Florida
My sponsor shared with me that I am only capable of working 12 steps (and even that imperfectly) - not 24 steps (my program and that of someone else). At a parents' program at a treatment center recently, I was reminded of that fact, and that Al Anon would be useful to develop the necessary objectivity and boundaries not to keep enabling my kid's use. As for the "god's will" part, I am rather fond of the Merton prayer, which reminds me that I must keep trying to do what I believe to be right and good and moral and just - not be so selfish and self-centered - and when I do I am probably pretty close to god's will.
I didn't do very well with the God business until I developed a very different view than you expressed of "God's will".
As far as I have seen "God's will" is that we all have free will, after all he gave it to us. I don't buy the idea that we have free will but there is a big GOTCHA if we don't use it according to some somewhat mysterious rules that vary with every sect and also from day to day.
If your boyfriend chooses to drink, that's his will. If you choose to stay and help him drink or leave that is your will. So where doe's God come in? Just like it says in our literature, standing by ready to help us if asked. He doesn't need to be told by us what others need. I imagine he knows that without being told. If they ask and are willing to accept help IN THE FORM IT IS GIVEN they will get the help they need too.
Also there is a group apart from AA that deals with alcoholism when it affects, not ourselves, but others.
I hope you are still "hanging in there" and have made a meeting or two. And hopefully have gotten a sponsor or at least looking. I mainly wanted to suggest you might try an alanon meeting once in awhile. It helped me a lot when I was dealing with the problems of a family member. Most of us are good at blaming others for our drinking so don't be drawn into that trap. Time will help so try to put one foot in front of the other and take care of yourself. In spite of your feelings have faith that it will get better.
I am about to talk about the grey pages at Area Assembly. There will be riots.
Area 40 Grapevine Chair
Dear Grapevine Chair from Montana, area 40. Why not discuss
your concern here on the forum? You have a wider audience.
You may even be able to get some ammunition to support your
cause. Opinions vary from different parts of the country.
Personally, I would prefer a simple magazine, a "meeting
in print", funded by those who want it: supported by
sale of subscriptions to the magazine, not by selling
books or raiding our Prudent Reserve Fund.
IMO, "our" AA Grapevine has become an advertising
tool for Alcoholics Anonymous. Let's start the discussion!
As a point of clarification:
AAGV, Inc. has not taken a drawdown from the Reserve Fund for two years and in April 2014 made a donation of $260,000 to the Reserve Fund.
Further clarification: Was the $260,000 a donation? Or
was it simply a deposit? Money that comes in for subscriptions is routinely deposited into the Prudent
Reserve Fund to be used as needed. Both Grapevines have withdrawn millions of dollars more from the Prudent Reserve Fund than "donated". Now you call it a drawdown. ANONYMOUS
Note: Our Grapevines ought to be fully supported through
subscriptions from AA members who want them. That was the
Grapevine made a donation of $260,000 to the Reserve Fund in March 2014. The Grapevine Subscription Liability, a separate fund, sets aside money for unfulfilled subscriptions and is currently funded at 98%. Grapevine has received drawdowns from the Reserve Fund over the 70 years of its existence, but has not done so for the last three years. In 1995, the General Service Conference recommended that La Viña be published with support from the General Fund as a service to the Fellowship, this action was reaffirmed by the Conference in 2001.
For additional information it is suggested that you contact your delegate.
I am new to all of this. Not new to my alcoholism, or realization thereof, but new to talking to strangers about my problem. I attended a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in rehab back in 2009, but I was only in rehab because my father thought I was going to kill myself so he had me hospitalized. It wasn't of my own volition necessarily, though as scared as I was at the time, I knew I needed help. So, I have not been to any A.A. meetings. They only take place in my town when I'm at work. Therefore, I sought help from the internet. It's probably better this way anyway. I'm not much of a small town gal, yet I reside in one. Everyone knows everything about everyone. So, everyone knows I'm a gnarly alcoholic.
On that note, I have a lot to say. However, seeing as this is my first post, I will simply say that I am 27 years young. I don't think I've gone longer than a week and a half sober since I turned 20. Since then, my mom and dad have died, I've dropped out of college, lost jobs, lost friends, lost places of residence...and I suspect I'm losing my health. My dad died in 2012, and things for me have been uphill since then simply because he would want it that way. I went on medication, I got a great apartment, I've held down a steady good job, but there is still a constant in my life, to put it simply: alcoholism. Long story short, when my dad was dying and up until his death, I was more preoccupied with drinking to cope than I was being there for him. Now he's gone, and I'm trying to move on and create a better life for myself, but I'm still drinking. Then, it was drinking to cope with his impending death (amongst many other things). Now, it's to cope with his passing, which happened over two years ago. My mother died 8 months before he did, but we were estranged. She was an alcoholic too. She tried to get back in my life a month and a half before she died. I ignored all of her phone calls, because I was an alcoholic and I somehow blamed her for that and had no nice words to say to her, so I simply ignored her until "the time was right" to speak to her again after a five year hiatus. That time, obviously, never came. She died alone, without making amends with me. Peritonitis, apparently. I was the next-of-kin, so I was responsible for her funeral arrangements. Needless to say, I am filled with regret and sadness.
There are many other details I could share, but in this moment, I don't want to lose focus. I need to quit drinking, but I am so sad. All of the time. I have been depressed all my life, I get panic attacks, I'm anxious more often than not...as I stated earlier, I can't attend regular A.A. meetings because of my work schedule, which honestly is the only thing keeping me on any semblance of a straight-and-narrow.
I just needed to put this out there.
Keep doing what works, and stop doing or alter what doesn't work. I too have had employment where it deterred me from meeting times. I have since learned, no matter what, get to a meeting. When I was working, I had just started my career and was working graveyards. The morning meetings didn't happen until noon and by the time noon arrived I was already asleep or falling asleep (I was off work at 7 a.m.). I started work at 11 p.m., and now I know I could have attended meetings at 7 & 8 p.m., and I could have attended meetings on my days off as I had two of them each week. I chose not to go to meetings which led to the loss of my career and a depression that lasted fourteen years. I have been fortunate enough to not drink all these years, however, I have relapsed on drugs. Relapsing s not what I want, active using is no what I want. Right now I am both clean and sober, Thank God, and I do need to keep tabs on my way of hinking and my attitude. This is what I need meetings for. Right now I am afraid to go to meetings because of the experiences I have recently experienced so I decided to try online here. I am finding it is working. Thank You AA for being on the internet. It takes two to have a meeting and it takes work to have sobriety.
Thank you for your courage in putting all this down in words on the screen. You sound like a very honest and fearless person, which means your chances for a life free of alcohol are good, if you want it.
Is there a way you can attend a meeting in a neighboring town? Even one per week? I stress face-to-face meetings because that's what got me and kept me sober in the early days. I don't think I could have done it on the internet alone.
Keep in mind that sobriety is just about today and today only. Try not to drink today and try to make it to a meeting today or tomorrow.
All the best to you,
First things First you are talking about it so you are headed in the right direction. No one can stop drinking drinking. You have to surrender and until that happens you will remain depressed and drunk. I know because thats my experience,